The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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LOL nearly spat my coffee out ,been there done that ,minus the chair ,just sit on the sand :exit:
 
I finally figured out that my parents preferred my twin brother over me.
It first struck me when they made me blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
 



The blond young mother fed the baby at noon and thought,
to put him asleep, to go for a walk with the stroller.

On the way, she passes by a toy shop and, as the kid was
doing just fine, decided to enter. First row and first shelf, a
beautiful little box with cool colours and fabulous design.

She could not resit it. A 9 pieces puzzle for that little money…
she takes it and rushes home. Got the baby to bed and sets
on the kitchen table; opens the box and spread the 9 pieces.

She worked hard for five weeks to complete the challenging
9 pcs puzzle and man, SHE WAS SO PROUD OF HERSELF!

Can you figure out why?
Because on the box it was written two to three years!


:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
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An armed, masked robber bursts into a bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

As the robber is leaving, one brave customer grabs his mask and pulls it off revealing his face.

The robber shoots him dead, he then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him so he walks over and calmly shoots him dead too.

Everyone is now horrified and looking down at the floor.

The robber shouts furiously, “Did anyone else see my face?”

There’s a brief silence then one elderly man, still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, “I think my wife may have caught a glimpse.”
 
I’ve applied for a job at the Citröen factory.

They asked me to send in 2CVs.

You own 2 horses....such wealth [emoji847]
 
Well here in France they do call them deux chevaux.

I know. Back in 1988, a friend and I bought a small farm in Coësmes, Ille-et-Vilaine, south of Rennes and found a beaten up 1966 mustard coloured 2CV. We put it on a trailer and on the advice of a neighbour , we took it to a lawnmower mechanic in Laval who serviced it and got it running, we got it re-registered and used it as a runabout. Great fun and, none too rusty, we gave it to the daughter of the local Plombier, who fitted all the internal water systems in the house, as an 18th birthday present. Found that using local tradesmen paid off well as we were only employing local tradesmen and not general builders. Our cash stayed local.
 
"It's impossible," said pride.

"It's risky," said experience.

"It's pointless," said reason.

"Give it a try," whispered the heart.


"What the f*** was that? Shouted the anus 2 minutes later.
 
I'm obsessed with taking pictures of myself standing next to a boiling kettle.
The doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.
 
What's the difference between Kim Jong Un and Domino’s?

Domino’s can deliver a hot crispy Hawaiian in less than 20 minutes.
 
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