The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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YOMANK, Ingrid!!!
 
Heads up! - There's an offer going about on Facebook for two free tickets to Scotland's next game at Hampden.

DO NOT apply for these tickets, this is NOT a scam and you will actually get them.
 
The pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool.

Little Johnny walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?"

The pope says "Yes" & puts his hands on Johnny's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now"

Johnny says "I don't know, its not 'til next wednesday"
 
The good news is that an injection of satisfaction will help the cat.
 
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Oh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No… I just feel bad that you're standing alone…"
 
Only in Croydon !!! OMG! I cannot believe what just happened.. I was at the sainsburys petrol station going in to pay and I noticed two policemen standing and watching a man and shaking their heads. I looked back and saw he was smoking while he was filling his tank. When I realised what he was doing I thought, what a moron, right in front of the police. So, I went in and paid and as I was walking out I heard someone screaming.. I look over and the man's arm was on fire! He was waving his arm around and running in circles going crazy. I walked passed him to get back in my car and the police had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with water from the windscreen bucket!! Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in the police car.. I figured he's not that clued in but I thought arresting him was a bit extreme. So as I drive past the cops I asked them what they were arresting him for.. The officer looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"
 
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.
 
Using the birds' pipe weed...
 
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