The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I'm prepared to continue, if anyone is interested?
I saw it on FB where the whole thing was a flip book, it kept me amused for ages :D
 

Surely this has to be a deliberate double entendre like an episode of Rainbow, a children's TV show quote :-

But memories of Hayes and his affable TV personality led us to come across this old internet oddity. Now only available in a grungy, virtually unwatchable upload, this is a peculiar episode of the much-loved pre-school programme in which virtually every line has some lewd meaning.
George, the gentle hippo announces:” Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?” To which Bungle replies: “Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey then turns to the camera and asks: “Have you seen Bungle’s twanger?” Zippy replies: “Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."

And so on. The sequence gets even ruder with the arrival of Rainbow’s in-house musical trio Rod Jane and Roger, who lead the team in a ditty called “The Plucking Song”.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgbcQIT7BMc
 
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I normally don't like these long lists claiming to be jokes but this made me smile
What it's like to be British -

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
 
Surely this has to be a deliberate double entendre like an episode of Rainbow, a children's TV show quote :-

But memories of Hayes and his affable TV personality led us to come across this old internet oddity. Now only available in a grungy, virtually unwatchable upload, this is a peculiar episode of the much-loved pre-school programme in which virtually every line has some lewd meaning.
George, the gentle hippo announces:” Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?” To which Bungle replies: “Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey then turns to the camera and asks: “Have you seen Bungle’s twanger?” Zippy replies: “Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."

And so on. The sequence gets even ruder with the arrival of Rainbow’s in-house musical trio Rod Jane and Roger, who lead the team in a ditty called “The Plucking Song”.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgbcQIT7BMc

I heard it was made as a birthday surprise for the shows creator or director or... never shown on air.
 
I heard it was made as a birthday surprise for the shows creator or director or... never shown on air.


I was told it was made for the staff commercialmas party and was never intended to be made public. Very glad it was though!
 
I was told it was made for the staff commercialmas party and was never intended to be made public. Very glad it was though!
Years ago, the UK TV industry used to do a Christmas video for 'select circulation', which featured some great bloopers, stitch-ups and parodies. I think this is what spawned shows like 'It'll be alright on the night'. We used to sometimes get hold of a copy and they were a lot funnier and ruder than most 'outtakes' shows. There was a very funny 'stitch-up' spoof scene from Emmerdale Farm (back in the days when it was about farming) on the 'Christmas tape' I got to watch.
 
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the mischievous behavior that was going on, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for some time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either!
 
Mine must have gone straight to my spam folder.
 
I got one of those emails. The big man pretended, probably so as not to frighten me, that he was my friend from Nigeria.

Dave
:LOL:
 
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