The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-
"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled - "Yes, Yes,
I Won.. I Won.."
She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.
The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
"What number rolled on the dice?"
The other - "I don't know, I thought you were watching."
Moral of the story:
1.Not All drunks are Drunk,
2.Not all Blondes are dumb,
3. But all Men are Men!!!
 
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Paddy's wife had just given birth to her 11th child, and put her foot down - "enough is enough, go to the doctor for that operation"
When Paddy found out how much it was going to cost, he replied that he couldn't afford that
"Well, there is a cheaper way, but don't hold me responsible for any consequences. Put a firecracker in a beer can, light it, hold it to your head and count to ten."

So Paddy did that. He counted to five, paused, put the beer can between his legs and resumed counting.....
 
I love his 'discussions' with Dundee Police.
 
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “£250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again

Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “£750?
Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ £1,000

The father says, That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess. They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “It's Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
 
I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.
 
A woman suggests to her husband that she have surgery to make her breasts bigger.

Her husband suggests she rub toilet paper between them instead.

"How will that make my breasts bigger?" asks the woman.

"I don't have a clue," replies her husband, "But it worked for your arse."
 
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