The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Only found this thread a few months ago, sorry if I have posted stuff that others already had. I have been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for the last couple of years and have been struggling to stay alive at times.

I am not looking for any sympathy, all I want to say is thankyou to all who have posted stuff on this thread. Therapy and this thread has helped me like most wont understand.

Thanks all xxx
 
scottishguy said:
Only found this thread a few months ago, sorry if I have posted stuff that others already had. I have been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for the last couple of years and have been struggling to stay alive at times.

I am not looking for any sympathy, all I want to say is thankyou to all who have posted stuff on this thread. Therapy and this thread has helped me like most wont understand.
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Don't worry about repeating things, we all do it at times and still find them amusing.
Nice to hear that a silly thread like this has cheered you up it does me too (y)
 
But can he afford the repair with what he urns?
 
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
 
A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."
 
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."

I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"

He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
 
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, "I want to be President one day."

Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."
 
I made an interesting discovery this week.

I learned that the term 'inflammable' does not in fact mean that something is not flammable. The word does not follow the same negative rule as other words prefixed 'in', such as inaudible, insatiable, indiscreet, etc.

I also burnt my a*se cheeks quite badly.
 
Cockney said:
I was really hoping no one would do that. It was going well and then you let us all down.
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Someone was bound to do it,
It might just as well be me (y)
 
It usually is! (y)
 
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
 
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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
 
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