The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
 
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Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
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Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
 
Even Mrs Nod (a veggie) laughed at that one, Chris!
 
Cobra said:
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Mary had a little lamb
She ate it with mint sauce
So everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was there of course

Mary had a little bear
To whom she was very kind
So everywhere that Mary went
You saw her bear behind

Mary had a little blouse
'Twas busted all to bits
so everywhere that Mary went
You saw her little tits

Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split right down the frount
So everywhere that Mary went
You saw that she kept her legs tightly crossed
 
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