Concept Project… Birth

Kodiak Qc

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French Canadian living in Europe since 1989!
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This concept was accepted… but corrections are required.

I was told to rework and correct the text which I tried my best
to do… Since most of you have English as first language and
many have higher education, I though to ask you how you see
this text could be improved.

Thank you in advance. :cool:

Just%20Before%20birth.jpg
 
Re: birth/death. Maybe this?

JUST BEFORE...

her last exhausted push,
her last grimace

deepest breath
and ultimate effort.

just before history and time
start to record your story

just before birth itself...

then your first chill
then your first cry

as they hold their breath,
longing you to hear
the words they already know

'I LOVE YOU'.
 
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Or.....

JUST BEFORE

As she gathers her strength
for one last push,

gritting her teeth, gasping
before the final effort

you never knew that history
and time were already begun

before you emerge - birth

before your first chill

before your first cry

they hold their breath
can hardly wait to tell you
words they carried so long

"I LOVE YOU"
 
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Just before her last, exhausted push
Her last grimace
Her deepest breath
Her ultimate effort

Just before birth itself
Before history and time
Start recording your story

Your first chill
Your first cry

They're holding their breath
Waiting to whisper in your ear
Words they long you to hear

I love you
 
Is the word chill used for a reason? just seems that the word smile may be more appropriate perhaps for the European market
 
Is the word chill used for a reason?


"Birth trauma" describes the whole of the very different
experiences at birth and one of them is the "chill"… the
temperature drop of some twenty degrees when naked
and wet. This difference is key to kick start breathing.
 
Poetry really isn't my thing, not something I have ever been good at, but I like the sentiments in this and the 'Death' one and thought my take on how the words could read would help more in the UK.
 

Forkbeard


How could I overlooked your reply Jim :banghead:… Thank you! :D:cool:
 
"Birth trauma" describes the whole of the very different
experiences at birth and one of them is the "chill"… the
temperature drop of some twenty degrees when naked
and wet. This difference is key to kick start breathing.

never knew that, thanks
 
We became grandparents for the first time at 4.13am this morning, so this is all a bit fresh in my mind. ;)
 
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