Lost my mojo-difficult times

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jason
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Over the past few months my mums health has really degraded. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year, and has been really well with it. However, a couple of months ago she became really poorly and we moved her into a hospice. I've been at her bedside and on call for the past few months and dedicated most of my free time to looking after her and caring for her. I work full time, My brother is also around, when he's not offshore.
I'm really struggling with it all, and my brother doesnt particularly like me, as i've only just discovered.
He has pretty much blanked me for years and never explained why, just gives me the silent treatment and ignores me. I've messaged him a couple of times and tried to reach out, but he's never responded. Even when i've said i'm struggling.
I finally confronted him and he told me why, for reasons i feel are really trivial, but i feel much better and i can move on. My mum was also in that conversation.
I think she might have had a word with him in private as he seems to be treating me with a bit more respect now. Although, he wont ever return to being a close brother, and when my mum passes. he will distance himself for good. I can cope with that, but its a shame not to have him as a friend and a brother.
My mum is now back home and much more comfortable, and stable. She isnt really mobile, but is in very good spirits, mainly due to morphene and steroids.
Carers go in 3 times a day and see to her whilst we are at work.

I really want to have a break, a weekend away with my wife or daughter, a day out with my camera, or just some "me" time, but i feel really selfish and cant bring myself to go out. Im stuck in a never ending routine, but it could be much worse. i could be in my mums situation where she is afraid of what will happen next, and inevitably, death. I spend all the hours possible with her, without neglecting my wife and daughter.
Am i being selfish wanting to have a break?
 
Not selfish at all, and I would suggest it's a bit of self preservation kicking in. It's a shame about your brother but that's largely out of your hands.
It's a $hitty situation to be in, but it seems that you are dealing with it well as anyone can expect.
I've no advice to offer but I'm sure you'll come out the other side. All the best to you and yours.
 
The life of a carer is very hard indeed. and it is to be expected that you feel the need for a break.
There are charities in some areas that exist so give carers a break. I would make enquiries to see if there is anything local to you.
That way you will know your mum is safe and in good hands while you take a much needed short break.
 
You're not selfish Jason but you face a daily reality that someone needs you.

I'm in a very similar position. I have two siblings and they're next to no help and most of the time I'm tied to the house or can only get out for a short time and even when we're out (I'm married) we're worried about what we'll be coming home to. Holidays are a little oasis but one a year is a real struggle and I wont get one this year (Mrs WW will have one by herself) and again when we're on holiday we're worried about what we'll come home to. I've asked and asked for help and for my siblings to give one day a week in turn, so that's just one day a fortnight each. That'd give me one day a week to take my Mrs out and relax but all it causes is arguments between them. The fact is they're not interested, they don't care and they'll just leave it to me. I am lucky that once every two years I can get some help while we have a holiday. They'll do nothing in the house while I'm away though.

Getting out with a camera is something I look forward to and these days it's my only remaining hobby. I used to love walking and open cars and I have an MX5 in the garage but I'm struggling to remember the last time I got out in it. In reality I do know that other things are more important than cars and cameras and lenses, our loved ones being top of the list. These days if it's a nice day I walk to the shops along an old railway route and I must have photographed not just every tree but every branch and twig on that route at every focal length, aperture and perspective but it's something I can do in the time I have and at quiet times at home I can process the pictures and put them on a slideshow. A trip to the coast is nice too and these little hour or two hour trips out are very welcome and then it's back to what matters more. I do thank God that Mrs WW will live in this situation, many I'd guess wouldn't.

A few years ago someone said to me that looking after someone is an honour and I realised that he was right and in the most stressful and upsetting times I remind myself of that. I also tell myself it's the right thing to do and I'd never forgive myself if I didn't do what's best.

Anyway. I have no answer but maybe it helps to know you're not the only one. Sadly, I suppose we both know that this situation wont last forever and one day we'll be glad to know that when called upon we did our best.
 
Thanks All. I do feel a sense of achievement, and pride when ive been to mams. She is in good spirits and can get around the bungalow with walking aids. 3 weeks ago, we were putting her affairs in order, and the doctors told us to be prepared. Now she is a different person, but the inevitable will come this year I think. I just feel that if I don't get out soon, even just for a few hours, I will lose my passion for photography, surfing, classic cars etc, and self destruct in self pity.
 
It's important to look after yourself too.
I'm pretty sure your mum would be upset with you if you didn't .
You're not much use to her if you fall ill or depressed.
 
I went though similar with Dad 10 years ago. Unknowingly, I was also getting more ill with a brain tumour which made the process of Dad's decline a now distant blur. All you can do is carry on as best you can. Sod the rest of the family - letting them get under your skin is just giving them free board and lodging in your head. Talk with your Mum and tell her that you need a weekend off while she's still relatively well if you feel you need a break.

Keep abreast of your hobbies' "scenes" via the internet and use them as an aid to YOUR rehabilitation after the inevitable.
 
You have to make time for you, if you don't you may well make yourself ill. Don't underestimate all the mental turmoil you are going through.

I went through it with both my parents as their health deteriorated and I lived almost 200 miles away.
 
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