Viz Top Tips!

leftcurl

leftcurl

Messages
4,085
Name
Leigh
Edit My Images
Yes
don't know how many of you are Viz enthusiasts.. but i've been buying it off and on since 1989 :gag:

Thought it might be fun to share some of the top tips sent in for us all to have a giggle at. Here's a few to kick off...

TESCO. In addition to having new workers wear 'I'm Learning' badges, get store managers to occasionally clip them round the ear for added humiliation

HOUSEWIVES. The handy, re-sealable bags that Cathedral cheese comes in can be re-used to keep some nice cheese in

RADIOHEAD. Make £150 million, then give away an album free saying you are against the business side of the music industry

BIRO pen tops make authentic Battle of Hastings re-enactment helmets for stick insects

Anyone else a Viz fan?
 
Last edited:
leftcurl said:
don't know how many of you are Viz enthusiasts.. but i've been buying it off and on since 1989 :gag:
Click to expand...

Me too, but tend to just buy the yearly books now.


A few Ive got from somewhere:

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means
they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that
your dog is well trained by ordering it to do
whatever it happens to be doing already.

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing
ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it
embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical -
leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm
are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler
and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,
sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of
black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats
in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on
their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.

MY husband and I save pounds every year on household wear and tear
by living in a tent in the garden.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match
in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
the source of the escaping gas.

STOP squirrels taking food from your bird table by
placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with
heavy duty tape.
 
I am a HUGE fan of Viz Comic where I have every single issue right from it's inception in 1981 (although I only have the first 20 issues in reprinted form in a book). In fact, my cartoon style even has a slight nod towards it.
I particularly like Roger's Profanisaurus where I try to insert words from that into my every day useage.
It's a shame that most of the original artists have left (apart from two), thus the style and context of the comic has changed slowly over the years but it is still holding it's own very nicely as it continue to weather natural progress.

Perhaps you might almost taste that slight Viz-ness in this cartoon drawn by me only yesterday as part of The Great Doodle (this is cartoon 196 of 365).

No196-Whiplash.jpg
 
Last edited:
:lol: that's class Ian

i love the profanisaurus as well.. i have the app on the my phone and peruse it on a regular basis. So difficult to remember them though in everyday use... one of my favourites is

'Anne Frank's Drumkit'... used to describe something utterly useless that merely takes up space.

and then there's...

'Terry Waite's allotment'.... descriptive of a badly overgrown ladygarden."Marriette was powerless to resist. His eyes burned into hers like emeralds. His muscular arms enfolded her body as she felt herself being swept away in a monsoon of passion. Bloody hell! You've got a **** like Terry Waite's allotment! he cried, as he pulled out the waistband of her bloomers and peered inside (from The Peasant Girl and the First World War Soldier by Barbara Cartland) :lol:
 
one of my favourite tips was

vegetarians always tell us that their pretend meat tastes just like meat... so next time you have vegetarians round, just feed them meat, they'll never know the difference
 
Prevent eggs rolling off hard surfaces by placing them in a bowl or similar receptacle.

Contestants on TV quiz show Going For Gold, get every question correct by interrupting Henry Kelly after he asks "What am I?....." and answering "A c***".
 
Last edited:
I used to read viz in the 90's but then moved on to Zit & Smut (all made by the same people) They went much further and really pushed the envelope out until they were forced to closes down in the early 2000's because offensive humor is unnaceptable in the UK. I Had a box full of them, but since misplaced it. I still try to find a torrent or download that has them all somewhere but to no luck
 
When throwing a party, make all the guests swallow a numbered tag, then when someone throws up behind the sofa, you can identify the culprit.
 
Viz is class. Offensive humour not acceptable in the UK?! We are talking about viz in this very thread! What's not offensive about 'Harold and Fred they make ladies dead'.
 
archamedes said:
I used to read viz in the 90's but then moved on to Zit & Smut (all made by the same people) They went much further and really pushed the envelope out until they were forced to closes down in the early 2000's because offensive humor is unnaceptable in the UK. I Had a box full of them, but since misplaced it. I still try to find a torrent or download that has them all somewhere but to no luck
Click to expand...

I still have a number of Zit and Smut issues in my collection, another short lived adult comic was Spit.
One of those comics coined the phrase "Billy No Mates" which made it's way into every day useage.
 
Last edited:
norters said:
Viz is class. Offensive humour not acceptable in the UK?! We are talking about viz in this very thread! What's not offensive about 'Harold and Fred they make ladies dead'.
Click to expand...

because smut and zit went way beyond viz back in the day
 
ZoneV said:
Contestants on TV quiz show Going For Gold, get every question correct by interrupting Henry Kelly after he asks "What am I?....." and answering "A ****".
Click to expand...

you should get an infraction for not starring that out fully, but common sense wins :D
 
Edtog said:
toptwips on Twitter :)
Click to expand...

^^This!^^

It's a stream of instant classics (except it's Twop Twips... they changed it to separate liability from the comic)

My favourite from today was 'Become an 'Absolutely superb ebayer!', by simply buying something and paying for it'.
 
big soft moose said:
one of my favourite tips was

vegetarians always tell us that their pretend meat tastes just like meat... so next time you have vegetarians round, just feed them meat, they'll never know the difference
Click to expand...

I sort of almost did that when I was 18 (1991)... party.. would the vegertarian sausages cook? No not until, I pricked real sausages, and dripped the fat all over them...

Then the token veggy waif commented on how nice they tasted!!! :shrug::shrug:
 
from the profanisaurus....

concraptions: The agonising stomach twinges experienced before giving birth to an arse baby. "I'd best get to the khazi, love. My concraptions are only a minute apart and i'm three centimetres dilated."

cold tea bag: The feeling one gets in one's underpants a couple of minutes after a badly diagnosed trouser cough
 
DOG OWNERS. Next time your mutt bites the postman's arse, make sure you say "well, he's never done that before."

SHOPPERS. If what you wish to purchase is not in stock, inform the assistant that you've come all the way from Stanely on the No.2 bus. They will take pity on you and have your item materialize out of thin effing air.


GILLETTE. Now that you have been out-manoeuvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model?

MANUFACTURERS of Gilette razors. Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword's inevitable six-bladed resonse to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor.

:lol:
 
Last edited:
Posted around end Sept.

COUPLES: This is the weekend to have the annual "We are not having the heating on yet" argument.



LADIES: Negate the need for contraception by wearing UGG boots
 
Last edited:
MOTORISTS. Save money on those fancy "ice tyres" by simply hammering 6" nails into all of your tyres before heading to work
 
Recreate that freeform jazz experience by throwing a squeaky toy into tumble dryer, then stroking your chin & nodding.

I love Top Tips. I still have the second book of collected tips (filled with frugality and gumption) somewhere. I would have gotten the first one, but my classmate got to it first.
 
leftcurl said:
from the profanisaurus....

concraptions: The agonising stomach twinges experienced before giving birth to an arse baby. "I'd best get to the khazi, love. My concraptions are only a minute apart and i'm three centimetres dilated."

cold tea bag: The feeling one gets in one's underpants a couple of minutes after a badly diagnosed trouser cough
Click to expand...

testiculating: waving your arms about while talking [PLEASE DON'T TRY TO BYPASS THE SWEAR FILTER]
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top