In the photo above, two of my most prized posessions. My house and my car. Both of them awesome, neither of which I should have been able to buy. Two medals I wear proudly on my sleeve, as a constant reminder to the world and myself that I have made it. The two fingers I hold up to everyone who told me I would go to jail, become a drug addict or end up dead with a knife in my back. Happy as larry in the knowledge that in the grand scheme of things, 'I'm all right jack'.
Except i'm not, and I shouldn't be. What some people fail to realise, is the true cost of these medals I am only too quick to display. People see a nice house, a slick car, and just assume I have it easy. They see a happy go lucky guy without a care in the world. Some see a cocky, egocentric ******, and some, simply see a snob. In the end, all they are seeing, is the dillussion that I bought into before opening my eyes. They are seeing material gain transformed into happyness, and some people are simply too blinded to see the reality of it all. The reality that in fact, material gain can never lead to true happyness, and more often than not, can lead to severe unhappiness.
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to play the poor little rich kid card. The fact is, i'm not poor, nor rich, and certainly not a kid
! I am simply trying to point out, the serious flaw in ones attitude, the flaw that leads one to believe having all this sh*t can bring you a better life! People need to realise, there is always a stabaliser which will grab you by the balls, and drag you kicking an screaming back down to earth. You might think you can live life in the stratosphere, free from the worries down below, but mark my word, the law of gravity always seems to kick in, and sooner rather than later.
The day Claire and I settled on a house was fantastic. Finding our own place, somewhere we can really settle into and call home, was a feeling I will never forget. I remember seeing the property in my local paper, and taking a sneaky unplanned drive to see it in the flesh! It was around 10pm, and it was dark out. The house was lovely, illuminated with custom wall lights, and a homely glow emerged from the sittingroom window. As we walked past the front garden trying to make sure we were not seen, a shooting star flew overhead, and Claire instantly picked up on the sign. Shooting star or not, and having not even looked inside, I was in love with the place! It was perfect, and the very next morning, I made an offer.
I remember getting the call back from my lawyer, 'It's yours, offer accepted'. I was ecstatic, over the moon! Gravity had just given me a free pass to the stars, and I was flying as high and as fast as I could.
It took several months before we could come home. Massive problems with the previous owners new house resulted in them delaying our entry by nearly 3 weeks. As the day approached, so did the anticipation. We were lucky to be renting our flat at the time, as I would not have enjoyed being in the 'having to sell to buy' position, especcially with the additional wait we had!
Moving day...
With a lorry full of furniture, and bucketloads of hopes and dreams, we unloaded the lot inside our new pad. We were home at last, and it felt good. My Mum and family were the first to visit us, I remember as she came in, amazed at the place, she bawled her eyes out. She cried so much, and kept telling me how I had made her proud, and she was so very happy for me. She gave me the biggest cuddle of my life, whilst trying to stem the flow of tears. It was emotional.
Little does she know, I too have shed a tear or two. It's as if I have left the world I used to know, and come into a world I don't belong in.
I see all my neighbours with flash cars and big houses, and I feel like an alien. I meet old friends, and when they ask how I am doing, I have to lie. And when I visit my mum, in one of Edinburgh's roughest estates, I am reminded of where home really is - home sits around the corner from a dark alley, in the middle of Edinburgh's Arsep*t. The only house I can ever trully call home, is Broomhouse.
Today, and every day, I feel guilt. To all my friends and family left behind in a life I managed to escape, I can honestly say, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. If you are looking for happiness, don't search with a wad of cash and a credit card. The only place you will trully find happiness is in the people around you whom you love dearly. Trying to buy happiness is a fools game, and if you aren't careful, you will spend every last penny in a futile search for joy, and the irony is, you will end up completely and utturly miserable as a result.
If there is one thing I want to discover over the course this project, it's the knowledge that you can loose it all, and still be happy. That gift, would be trully priceless. I feel I am one step closer, after writing this.
Gary.
:lol;