The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officer Double click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.
 
Man calls tech support:

M: Hello, my computer is not working.
TS: I'm sorry to hear that, what is the problem?
M: There's nothing on the screen.
TS: I see, can you hear anything from the computer?
M: No. nothing.
TS: Are there any lights on the computer?
M: Not that I can see.
TS: No fan noise?
M No.
TS: It may be the power cord has come out, where is the computer?
M: On the floor, under my desk.
TS: Ok, have a look and see if you can see the power cord.
M: OK, I'm just crawling under the desk, I'm trying to see round the computer. No, I can't see the power cord.
TS: You can't see it? Why not.
M: It's too dark
TS: Why is it dark?
M: All the lights are out.
TS: Why so?
M: There's a power cut.
TS: I understand, do you still have the boxes the computer came in?
M: I do.
TS: Well, I want you put everything into the boxes and send it back to the manufacturer.
M: What should I tell them?
TS: Tell them you are too bloody stupid to own a computer. Goodbye.
 
A group of nature photographers decided to go on a once in a lifetime trip to Asia. After having visited two of the countries on their list and been very successful in obtaining lovely images they moved on to a third country.

On arrival their local guide had a meeting with them and told them that in his country there was an extremely dangerous snake whose bite was nearly always lethal. However it was easy to identify as it had eight black and yellow bands on its body, which ended in a sharp point. He also said that its weakness was that although it had excellent eyesight, its sense of smell and hearing were very poor.

He then explained that the way to disable the snake was to ensure that you were at the tail end then run your hands up the snakes body counting up to eight and then poke its eyes out with your thumbs.

One day the photographers went out in a group, but when they returned one of them was missing. They searched for a while but it was getting dark they abandoned the search. Later that evening the missing photographer returned to the camp in a terrible state. His clothes were in tatters and he was covered in blood and scratches. They cleaned him up, gave him a few tots of the local fire water and when he calmed down enough, asked him what happened.

He told them that he seen a couple of interesting plants so dropped his camera bag and got down on his knees to get some close up shots. As he was going to get up he saw this black and yellow banded thing which ended in a sharp point.

Thinking that it must be one of the snakes he had been told about, he followed the instructions, gripped the body with his hands, counted up the bands to eight and then found that he had thrust his thumbs up the arse of the biggest tiger in South East Asia,
 
I make do and mend whenever I'm capable and able!
 
If I am in a charity shop and someone starts haggling, I have been known to step in and offer full price on the item. Their prices are usually very low anyway.
 
A hotshot London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The London banker looks down in horror. ‘Oh no!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?
 
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
 
Which reminded me ......................

The CO of an Army unit was informed that the mother of one of his soldiers had died. He called in the RSM and told him to pass this news on to the soldier.

The RSM called all the soldiers onto parade. He then barked "All those with mothers fall out!" and then "Jones, where the f*** do you think you're going!"
 
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The day after she moved into the house next door my very attractive Chinese neighbour called round to introduce herself.
I invited her in for a cup tea and as we were talking she said that she would like a roger.
It was only as I was removing my trousers I realised she actually wanted a lodger …
 
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