The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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I went around to my Grandads to take the dog out for a walk.
As I was about to go out he shouted "Don`t forget poo bags"

"Do I have to" I shouted back?
"Yes" shouted Grandad.
"Alright," I said -- "Come on Nana"
 
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
 
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WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...​

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans’ Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his eyes lit up and he became animated, swooping his hand gracefully through the air to simulate the various paths his plane took.

Speaking with a slight Cockney accent he explained, “Then I seen this fokker comin’ right at me from one o’clock, so I dives and turns right and comes up right behind him. I fired my guns and blew that fokker right out of the air! Then I sees two more of them fokkers comin’ up from below, at seven o’clock, so’s I….”

Just then, the teacher, Mrs. Johnson, interrupts with, “I think we should explain to the sixth graders that Fokker was a type of German aircraft.”

“Oh no Miss. These fokkers were Messerschmitts.”
 
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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
 
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