The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up. "Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?" Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."
 
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My wife was fed up when she didn't receive an Advent calendar - she just walked around the kitchen, opening the cupboard doors and eating what was inside.
 
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A friend of mine was having a hard time with his wife, nag, nag, nag. So he tried to devise a plan to get rid of her once and for all.
After a great deal of thought as to how to go about it, he decided to ask his neighbour Archie. Now Archie wasn't the sharpest knife in the box.
When asked, Archie said, ( in a very broad west country accent) he would do it for a pound. So the plan was that Archie would lay in wait for her at the local supermarket.
She duly arrived to do her weekly shop, Archie was stalking her until he found her in a quiet spot, Archie quickly dispatched her by strangulation. Just as he was about to walk away a little old lady came around the corner, Archie panicked and strangled her too. The headlines in the morning papers said.
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ARCHIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA.
 
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****g widow."
 
I have decided on a new exercise program. I am walking with a neighbor every day.
Never knew walking w/someone else was such an incentive. We don't talk much during the walk. My neighbor walks about 10 feet ahead of me.

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Just this week, I've followed her for 10 miles
without my cane! I'm feeling better with each mile!​
 
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