*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replies, - I see millions of stars.
- What does that tell you?
Watson ponders for a minute.
- Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
- Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.
 
Whats long and hard and makes a woman moan?????



The ironing board...
 
Hi

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Stephen Harper was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of England.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, £200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was £100.


He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was,

'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,
my pants as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,
and keep it rising like the price of gas,
Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and
screw me the way you have retirees,
Then it isn't going to cost you a damn penny !'
 
Paddy was in the pub telling his mates about his paratrooping days and the day he went up for his first parachute jump,he say's we were about 30,000 ft up and all my mates were jumpin out one by one,then it came to my turn to jump and i couldn't do it,then this black bloke stood up got his 12" shlong out and said if you don't jump this is going right up your a*se,Paddy's mates then said did you jump?Paddy said yes,but only a bit when it first went in..
 
Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea.
I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

-------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.

--------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

----------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 
> Subject: FW: THE GOLFING NUN.......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A nun walks into Mother
> Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets
> out a sigh heavy with frustration.
>
>
>
>
> 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I
> thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
>
>
> 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with
> my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You
> know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life
> to Christ.'
>
>
> 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I
> take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
> 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took
> the Lord's name in vain today!'
> 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
> 'You must tell me all about it!'
>
>
> 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a
> monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left
> and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I
> creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
>
>
> And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
> wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
>
>
>
> 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But
> surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
> 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still
> trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out
> of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
> ?
> 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the
> Mother..
> 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so
> proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was
> a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs
> the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in
> his paws!'
>
>
> 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing
> smile.
> 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,
> 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the
> squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right
> there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and
> rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
>
>
> Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms
> across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and
> said...
>
>
> 'You missed the ********* putt, didn't you?'
>
 
Little Johnny asked his grandpa one day,

"Grandpa, do you and grandma still have sex?".
"Yes Johnny, but only oral sex" replied grandpa.
"What's oral sex grandpa?" asked little Johnny.

Grandpa replies
"Well, she says "screw you!". and I say "screw you too!".
 
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'
 
PsiFox said:
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'
Click to expand...

:LOL: hahaha!
 
mark richards said:
I opened the wheelie bin when i came home from work..and a wasp flew out, WHAT sick
b'#/[.;'[]d's go around throwing wasps in wheelie bins....
Click to expand...

That could only be TP's very own Cobra . He's not had much luck with wasps lately! :D

Cobra said:
Nope, Piriton (seriously)
Slipped my hand into my falconry glove earlier and there was a wasp inside it!
now that is taking the urine is it not?
stung several times before I could get the bloody thing off,
I had already hopped a hawk onto the glove and thought a talon had found a weak spot to start with.............................
put hawk down get glove off torture wasp to extinction.............

My hand looks like a balloon and I keep hitting two keys at once so I guess
that you could say that its a tad swollen :(
Click to expand...
 
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A gang of blondes charge in to a bar one night, cheering and dancing.
One of them slams a puzzle of the Cookie Monster on to a table while one of them makes her way to the bar, and orders loads of bottles of champagne.

"What's the occasion sweetheart?" asks the bartender.
"Us girls are out tonight to celebration an outsanding achievement!".
"What achievement?" asks the bartender.
The blonde points to the puzzle on the table.
"You see that puzzle there? Well me and the girls spotted it while out shopping one day and we knew it would be a great challenge"
The bartender looks at the child's toy and says, "How is that a challenge?"
The blonde replies "Well, on the box it said 6 to 8 years... We did it in 3!!!!"
 
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me",
"How's your day going?"
 
Man walks into WH Smith & says "Do you have that new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don't think it's in yet."
He replies "Yeah, that's the one"
 
Jewish Sex ?
A Jewish couple, both well, go to a sex therapist's office.? The doctor asks,
'What can I do for you?' ?
The man says, 'Will you watch us having a sexual intercourse?' ?
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a couple is
asking for a sexual advice that he agrees upon, so he asked them to carry on. ?
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse.' ?
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he
says good bye. ?
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch
again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. ?
This happens several weeks in a row. ?
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the
doctor, then leave. ?
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have
to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' ?
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medical insurance.
 
One day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a

sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier

and took her to the vet.


We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would

let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.

' He reminded the Vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted

the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and the Vet don't see eye to eye. The Vet calls

my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the

Vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly

snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last

word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The Doctor's waiting room and office was full of people waiting

to see the doctor. A side door opened and the Vet leaned in -

he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

'Your wife''s pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and

shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way,

I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!'



Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
 
two packets of crisps strolling down the road.
Taxi pulls up and the driver says 'alright boys..want a lift?'
one of the packets says 'naa thanks mate, we're Walkers'

Nike are to release a new line of trainers made especially for lesbians.
Nikes for Dykes feature a longer tongue and can be got off with one finger
 
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I see they are going to make Pakistan into a water based theme park
They are going to call it

DISNEY MATTER.???
 
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house
> her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.
>
> The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on
> 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large
> house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
>
>
> As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly
> awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she
> rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when
> mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
>
>
> Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what
> to do next.
>
>
> Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings
> a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
>
> The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take
> the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then
> phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should
> make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the
> bitch"
>
>
> "Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"
>
>
> "Well" The vet replied
>
> "IT JUST WORKED ON ME".
 
My son has just been kicked out of his sexual health education class. The teacher asked, "What methods are there for limiting the size of your family?"

It seems that a package holiday to Portugal is not on the list of correct answers.
 
Matt Sayle said:
My son has just been kicked out of his sexual health education class. The teacher asked, "What methods are there for limiting the size of your family?"

It seems that a package holiday to Portugal is not on the list of correct answers.
Click to expand...

***COUGH***sickipedia***COUGH*** :LOL:
 
My wife accused me of shagging a Welsh slapper from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How could she say such a thing?
 
APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:


'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...
 
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!


Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!

Only total thicko's will fail !!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut ?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?

7) What was King George VI's first name ?

8) What colour is a purple finch ?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial air plane ?



Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.


ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats ? Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert

8) What colour is a purple finch ? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial air plane ? Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!
 
Just been knocked over by a rental van..


****ing HERTZ.
 
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birdy961 said:
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver
and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so
much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry,it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................



















I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.


:D
Click to expand...

I like this one :LOL:
 
Ever had trouble opening a bottle of champagne? My advice would be to hit it with a ship - that seems to work!
 
George Michael woke up in his cell this morning with a chocolate bar stuck up his backside


Prison authorities said it was just a " careless wispa"
 
Where it all started....... and never stopped!!!!

4996804318_63afe636c6.jpg
[/url][/IMG]
 
came down for breakfast this morning and the wife is face down, dead, in a pool of blood!!
OMG what will i do, I thought
then I came to me






MaccyD's do breakfast right up to 11am
 
I was having sex the other day, I stopped mid thrust and froze completely still for a few seconds before carrying on.
"What are you doing?" Asked my girlfriend.
"Something I learned from watching online porn movies... it's called buffering".
 
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