Moving away from an elderly relative

My parents downsized and moved a mile or so from us about 6 years ago.
My mother is now on her own, fairly independent within the home, but needs help to go out and about, which is usually about a dozen times a year.
We do occasionally have to pop in if fuses trip or the tv gets moved off the correct input.

We see her twice a week, for a few hours in total and take her out as and when required.
She also sees a few people a week who visit for cleaning, hair cuts etc.

Now, we need to sell up and downsize in about 2 years.

Can’t afford to stay where we are now and would also like a change of scenery as well.
So thinking of moving no more than 1 1/4 hours from my mum.
3 of her grandchildren will still be fairly local to her and can be emergency key holders and we plan to come back 1 day a week and would probably spend more time a week with her if we did that.

Anyone else had to go this ? With me it’s the guilt of doing it.

If the grandchildren are willing (and capable!) of taking on the immediate responsibility, I can't see any real problem. You visiting once a week or so should be enough unless circumstances change significantly.

As Nod said, if the grandchildren are definitely up to visit in your stead then that seems very reasonable, although I'd try to keep travelling distance under 1 hour if possible. However if not then it gets very complicated. My mother died in 2022, and my wife and I were visiting about 4 times a week between us - I know we couldn't have moved at that time and both guilt and her needs would definitely have been a problem, even if others would be able to drop in.

ancient_mariner said:

As Nod said, if the grandchildren are definitely up to visit in your stead then that seems very reasonable, although I'd try to keep travelling distance under 1 hour if possible. However if not then it gets very complicated. My mother died in 2022, and my wife and I were visiting about 4 times a week between us - I know we couldn't have moved at that time and both guilt and her needs would definitely have been a problem, even if others would be able to drop in.

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Keeping it under an hour will restrict us to flats, not that is a deal breaker. Going the 1 1/4 hours gets us to an area we like and where we can afford a bungalow.

Could maybe get a house within an hour, but that’s the last resort.

You have to live your own life(s) I hate to be brutal but your mother isn't going to live forever, much as we want them to. You could stay near her but are you then going to end up resenting not moving?

It really depends on her needs ,wants and mobility , I’m getting on for 81 now with a few health issues ,but I still drive , tow a caravan , get about a lot more than some who are 10 or 20 years younger . .
Every one has there own criteria , we have a large family with over half of them very local so someone is usually with us every day the wife laps it up kids ,grandkids,great grandkids me I can’t wait for them to p**s off and leave us in peace .so each to there own .. best advice is have a chat with your mum and get her opinion before doing anything

You do need to do what's best for you, even if you do feel guilty being 1.25 hours away...

I am 4 hours, which limits how often I can go.... going to see my Mum involves staying over. Yet a lot of people in her age group see their offspring less frequently than she does, and they live closer....

I obviously don't know how she feels, but if she's independent and coping well I'm not seeing any issues.
You have local backup, and my mother when alive was local, but still a half hour away realistically.
Have you asked her how she feels?
Is she in a position to move closer to your new house if it happens?
Thats another option.

We have mentioned it in passing once or twice and she does not seem to fazed.

She did mention that a care home might be an option if needed, so it’s good to know she is not too worried about that option.
Although she is still just ok to tend her garden, which she loves doing

We had a similar situation with my mum. We moved 5 years ago to somewhere further away but my mum was fiercely independent and wasn’t really that concerned to be honest and said she’d rather stay in her own home than move anywhere else. I’d go up once a week to see her and do a few household jobs, that took up most of a day what with travelling several hours both ways. Eventually when she started getting a bit more frail we’d do an internet shop for her once a week, followed not long after by a carer going in 3 days a week, basically more for our peace of mind than anything else.

One day Mum got disoriented and dehydrated (which turned out to be from getting covid !). At that point we didn’t feel she was safe living on her own and she finally relented and agreed to go into a care home. She was 96 at that point and she lived on in the home till last year, when she died a few weeks short of her 100th birthday. They obviously bred them tough in the old days.

I think the moral of the story is, older people value their freedom far more than we suspect, plus they’re often far more capable than we assume. As others have said, probably best to talk to her and lay out your plans and see what she makes of the situation. Also if you do consider moving her to a care home, don’t underestimate the costs. Council run places are few and far between these days and private homes cost a small fortune. Ask me how I know.

boogie man said:

We had a similar situation with my mum. We moved 5 years ago to somewhere further away but my mum was fiercely independent and wasn’t really that concerned to be honest and said she’d rather stay in her own home than move anywhere else. I’d go up once a week to see her and do a few household jobs, that took up most of a day what with travelling several hours both ways. Eventually when she started getting a bit more frail we’d do an internet shop for her once a week, followed not long after by a carer going in 3 days a week, basically more for our peace of mind than anything else.

One day Mum got disoriented and dehydrated (which turned out to be from getting covid !). At that point we didn’t feel she was safe living on her own and she finally relented and agreed to go into a care home. She was 96 at that point and she lived on in the home till last year, when she died a few weeks short of her 100th birthday. They obviously bred them tough in the old days.

I think the moral of the story is, older people value their freedom far more than we suspect, plus they’re often far more capable than we assume. As others have said, probably best to talk to her and lay out your plans and see what she makes of the situation. Also if you do consider moving her to a care home, don’t underestimate the costs. Council run places are few and far between these days and private homes cost a small fortune. Ask me how I know.

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Tell me about it MIL is currently in her upstairs bedroom can't/won't go downstairs but still insists she can live at home.