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- Paul
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Quite long this but well worth the effort as there are some classics!
Peter Kaye observations ...
1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said,
"Thyroid Problem?"
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3. My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice.
For ten year I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
5. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
6. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7. I was bullied at school, and called all kinds of names. But one day
I turned to my bullies and said "Sticks and stones my break my bones
but names will never hurt me", and it worked!, from then on it was sticks
and stones all the way.
8. My Dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
10. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said "are you going to help?" I said "No, Six should be enough".
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12. I think that animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.
13. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic"?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for
centuries" have a "use by" date?
8. Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp that no one could eat?
9. Is French kissing in Francejust called kissing?
10. Who was the fist person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?
11. What do people in Chinacall their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
13. What do you call male ballerinas?
14. Why is a person that handles your money called a "Broker"?
15. If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
19. Did you ever notice that when you blow on a dogs face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths...
1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4. You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator.
6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
9. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11. It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
12. Poking a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
14. You always feel a bit scared when stroking a horse.
15. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
16. The most embarrassing thing that you can do as a schoolchild is to
call your teacher mum or dad.
17. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first opportunity.
18. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
19. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
20. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
21. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23. You never ever run out of salt.
24. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
27. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangars.
28. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
29. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
30. People who can't drive, slam car doors too hard.
31. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
32. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33. Bricks are horrible to carry.
34. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
35. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not
putting it into a fruit salad.
If you made it here - WELL DONE! - Paul
Peter Kaye observations ...
1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said,
"Thyroid Problem?"
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3. My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice.
For ten year I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
5. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
6. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7. I was bullied at school, and called all kinds of names. But one day
I turned to my bullies and said "Sticks and stones my break my bones
but names will never hurt me", and it worked!, from then on it was sticks
and stones all the way.
8. My Dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
10. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said "are you going to help?" I said "No, Six should be enough".
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12. I think that animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.
13. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic"?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for
centuries" have a "use by" date?
8. Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp that no one could eat?
9. Is French kissing in Francejust called kissing?
10. Who was the fist person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?
11. What do people in Chinacall their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
13. What do you call male ballerinas?
14. Why is a person that handles your money called a "Broker"?
15. If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
19. Did you ever notice that when you blow on a dogs face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths...
1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4. You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator.
6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
9. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11. It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
12. Poking a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
14. You always feel a bit scared when stroking a horse.
15. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
16. The most embarrassing thing that you can do as a schoolchild is to
call your teacher mum or dad.
17. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first opportunity.
18. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
19. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
20. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
21. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23. You never ever run out of salt.
24. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
27. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangars.
28. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
29. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
30. People who can't drive, slam car doors too hard.
31. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
32. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33. Bricks are horrible to carry.
34. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
35. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not
putting it into a fruit salad.
If you made it here - WELL DONE! - Paul
and plenty others made me 
