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--Subject: INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
________________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Indian fellow's are crazy.
__________________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
___________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an
aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me
brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_____________________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole
in my stomach. ____________________________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor
hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
________________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Indian fellow's are crazy.
__________________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
___________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an
aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me
brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_____________________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole
in my stomach. ____________________________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor
hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
.
