You need to understand Depth of Focus.
Because back-ground blurring 'bokah' is when whats beyond your subject is grossely beyond the Depth of Focus.
Here is a manual focus lens, with DoF scale.
From the image title, its a Helios 44, so its the Russian 58mm f2 'standard' lens off my old Zenith 35mm film camera. OK...
-Green numbers either side of the Red line on the lens body; thats the Depth of Focus Scale.
- Yellow numbers, above, end in funny fallen over 8 symbol 'infinity' and an 'M'.. thats the distance scale on the focus ring.
- White numbers, bottom, those are the Aperture F-numbers on the aperture control ring.
On the Focus scale, '4' is lined up against the red line; so the lens is focused at (close enough) 4m
On the aperture ring, '4' is lined up against the red-line, so its set to f-4.
Now look at the green numbers/scale. Either side of the red-line are green-lines marked with the f-number they correspond to. On this lens, f8, 11 & 16 have both sides marked, the rest only get one number a side, and you have count lines the other way.... because they are so close together, but I'll explain that in a second.
for now, if you take the marks for f4 on the DoF scale either side of the red line, and read off the distance scale, it will tell you the limits of the Depth of Focus.... and the F4 mark left of red index line lines up with aprox 3.25m, mark without a number for f4 right of index lines up with aprox 5.5m.
so the Depth of focus is from about 3.25m to 5.5m, anything closer will be blurry, anything further away getting blurrier the firther away it is from camera.
Now, notice that the focus ring scale is logarythmic. Scales atarts something before first number I can see clearly, which is 1.3m, then we get 1.5m, 1.7m, then 2m, 2.5m, 3m, 4m, 6m, 10m and then infinity... the markings actually getting closer together on the rings, whilst further apart numerically.
So... f4, 4m... we have a depth of focus that is about 3.25m, aprox 1/4 infront 2/3 behind our subject.
Without changing the f-number... if we were to walk closer to our subject... and get them in focus at say.....2m..... we'd move the distance scale around on the DoF scale, and the f4 DoF limits would give us something from about 1.7 to maybe 3m.... ie, a shallower DoF, only 1.3m instead of 3.25m... FOR THE SAME APERTURE.
Aperture ALONE does NOT control 'Depth of Focus'.
What controls depth of focus is the ratio of camera to subject / subject to back-ground distance.
Closer you are to the subject, further the back-ground is away from them... the greater the dissociation ratio and the more 'bokeh' you are likely to get for ANY aperture.
Bokeh by the way is not the actual 'blur' or dissociation de-focus, but an utterly unquantifiable commodity, how 'smoothly' unfocused transitions occur.
As such, depends what you are snapping how 'nice' the bokeh effect may be... if you are shooting against a fairly even coloured texture like a hedge, where the tonal range is quite small, and detail discontinuities also small, the out-of focus high-lights and shaddows can easily 'mix' to give 'nice' smooth texture.... if you are shooting against a back-ground that has more contrast, and larger and more sharply defined discontinuities, say a black and white chequer pattern tiled wall.... then the un-focused light wont mix so well, and rather than 'bokeh' you will get 'unfocused detail' with potential quite discernable shape and colour, rather than soft texture.
Which is worth noting..... its something you dont just 'get' twisting a dial... you have to COMPOSE to get it.... then know what twisting the dial does!
Back to the dials!
With this lens, focused at 4m, you will start to 'dissociate' or de-focus back-ground detail at f4 from about 6m on. Anything closer will be in focus, it will only start to blur as it gets further away, and then, further away it is, more it will blur.
If your subject was 10m from the camera, or you were at f16, then the infinity mark on the focus ring would fall on, or close enough to the DoF limit mark.... and you would only EVER get the tiniest bit of dissociation, de-focus and potential Bokeh blurr, no matter HOW far from the subject the back-ground was.
So... you could 'open up' and try a wider aperture... but there is a limit to how much that effects things, and by far and away the biggest influence isn't the f-number, but this camera to subject/subject to back ground ratio. And you have this logarithmic scale.
And moving the subject closer to camera and further from back-ground is the most effective way to get that ratio more advantageouse, moving camera closer to subject almost as good.
Telephoto Lenses......
For the same f-number, longer lenses usually give a shallower DoF. Picking up the 135mm lens for that Zenith; at subject distance of same 4m at same f4, I get DoF limits from its scale at err... well... 3m is way beyond one end, 5m way off the other, I wouldn't get DoF near either even at f22... at 4m... and f4, its a couple of cm either side of subject distance.
This is probably not that good..... as the DoF is likely to be SO shallow that if I focused on some-ones eyes.... thier nose and ears would probably be fuzzy.....
If I back up, take perhaps three paces back... re-focus, at f4, the DoF would now be maybe a foot, 30cm or so, 1/3 infront 2/3 behind subject, I get nose and ears in reasonable focus.... BUT.... while infinity is still a heck of a long way off my DoF scale...... the ratio of camera to subject, subject to back-ground has been very disfavourably adjusted, and while anything beyond maybe 7.5m will start to blurr..... On the wider angle lens, closer up, anything beyond 6m was starting to blurr....
Only reason you are getting 'more' back-ground dissociation from the longer lens is from the shallower DoF....
But. framing your subject, making them larger in the frame.... to get the same 'subject' to 'frame' composition... you are going to HAVE to move away from the subject.....
Move away from subject.... camera-subject-back-ground ratio goes in favour of the back-ground and the less dissasociation you will get, less de-focusing, less potential 'bokah'.
Starts with composition... and you have to work out IF the back-ground is actually more condusive to giving good bokeh or not... and then, composing your shot.... if the back-ground is close to your subject, actually using a longer lens to shorten the DoF to get dissasiation could be counter productive.
To dissasociate, you need to get up close, and get the back-ground away.
Shortening DoF with wide apertures or tele-lenses is NOT necesserily the best way to go.
Using wider angle lenses and smaller apertures CAN give much better results.... BUT either way, its starts with composition..... Is the back-ground GOING to disassociate easily? Then your framing.... how big is the subject? How big do you want it in the frame? How close can you get to it and still focus on it AND get it all in frame?
Its possible that you aren't getting good results, because shooting smaller subjects, butterflies, birds, insects..... small subjects, likely to be close to thier back ground, and probably closer to thier back-ground than they are to the camera, even more so with a tele-photo lens or tele-adaptor.... you are going about it completely the wrong way.... and you would get better results, with a wider lens, closer to the subject.... but even then..... small subject, close to back-ground.... that back-ground with big detail in the frame.... its just NOT condusive to good bokeh.... there isn't enough fussiness in the back-ground for that little de-focusing to mix up enough in the frame.
Try the classic, selective focus experiment.... grab a person to model for you.... take them to a park where you have a bit of space and set them up with a hedge or similar as the back-ground.... then try your camera to subject to back-ground experiments again.
1/ camera to back-ground aprox 10m from camera. Get subject to stand at minimum focus distance, take a shot. Then keeping aperture and shutter the same; get them to take a step backwards, take another shot; another step, another shot..... should get about six shots before they are standing against the hedge.
2/ Now get them to take five paces forwards; keep the subject back-ground distance 5m or so. Now walk up to them until they are at just about minimum focus distance and in focus. Same aperture and shutter.... now YOU take a step back each time you take a picture, until you are aprox 10m away from them, 15m from back ground.
3/ Now select a less bokeh freindly back-ground. Metal fence railings are good; but buildings can work too. Something regular and less happy to unresolve itself to mere texture.... Repeat the two experiments, and again, keep the aperture the same.
Now you can go repeat the experiment with different apertures, and again, with different lens length.
It will start to make sense to you, from doing and seeing, a lot better.
But you'll see how the biggest factor is the back-ground and how readily it will blurr or smooth out, and then the camera-subject-back-ground distance.