The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on,
Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
 
An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes:

"Hello, toes." He said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees!" He continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today... Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello, Willie! You little bugger. Just think, If you were alive today, you'd be 92"
 
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Well, it's not like she'll ever wear it again, is it?
 
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Saw the worst mind reader ever last night..

Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."

Me: "OK"

Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."

Me: "OK"

Mind reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?"

Me: "No"

Mind reader: "Ace of spades?"

Me: "No"

Mind reader: "What is it then?"


Me: "Happy Birthday"...
 
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Is that enough trees for all the tissues?
 
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
 
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