The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Not sure if I breach copyright here but the mods will delete if I am:

I think Aryna Sabalenka has an unfair advantage in that, in addition to her tennis racket, she appears to be using a light sabre.

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White Coat Syndrome - I suffer from it!
 
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TheBigYin said:
yeah - should be wearing his "Safety Sliders and Balaclava" and swap that Clunk for a e-bike... Think of the wheelies you could pull with that on the back.
Click to expand...


Just the one...
 
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My sister has been known to do the same to cars parked in disabled spaces.
 
Just want to say a massive thank you to the NHS as they were fantastic at removing a mole from my backside yesterday!

Unlike the RSPCA who said they would prosecute me if I done it again!!!
 
I got told off for using baby words - like calling my "gentlemans' part" a winkie.

The day after, I had to see the headmaster because I told the teacher I was reading Winnie the s***!
 
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The other applicant passed through vetting but it was discovered that he had died on 29/10/2011...
 
Two Scotsmen go to Hell. A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? Their kind are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain... Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later.

"But when the devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.
"What is the meaning of this?" The devil cried. "You're supposed to be in torment!"

The Glaswegians looked surprised "Naw" they said "it's pure quality taps aff weather here man. It's no drab an' dreich like Scotland, you know that way?

"Fuming, the devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.

So the devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and Buckfast tonic wine.

Raising a glass to the devil, one of the Scotsmen said "Hey big man! If I'd known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I'd've done a whole lot more sinning! Weather's always s***e in Glesga. Always freezin' ma nuts off, you know?"

"I see." The devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth "your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we'll see about that.

"So saying, he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.

The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.

But when the devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering "Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!"

The devil's jaw dropped. "What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?

"One of the Glaswegians turned back and said "Is it no feckin' obvious ye daft bastart? Hell's frozen over! Scotland's won the world cup!"
 
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