Chatted more about it. The intimidation part is if she pics up the camera to use it and I have say changed the iso and the white balance when using it previously. She's quite happy shooting with it in aperture or shutter priority etc and does not need portrait or any other scene mode for example. I guess it's just the sharing thing. We used to have our own film slrs and when we went to digital we bought one together. His and hers definitely looking an option or something like a D7100 which has user 1 and user 2 settings. It would be a shame to have to start all over with lenses and flash etc and some of the lenses would not work on a D3200 or other lower spec camera without the motor built in.I dont understand how a new dslr will be any less intimidating than a d90 - they haven't changed much and if anything all have more features than they did 8/9 years ago . - and the d90 has scene modes and full auto.
Therefore the only way to find something less intimidating would have to be down to how she feels with the camera in her hands, so going to a well stocked camera shop and trying them has to be the only option.
I gues deep down I also fancy something with better iso performance and they seem to have come a long way since the D90..