COVID-itus, Mid Life Crisis, Depression - or all three?

bl0at3r

bl0at3r

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Alan
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Married, no kids, homeowner, employed, solvent, relatively (if you exclude high blood pressure and being overweight) good health….. currently feeling like ‘so is this it?’

Never been career focussed but somehow managed to climb a ladder in IT over 17 years and sustained a good salary. A job is there to pay the bills and buy niceties as far as I’m concerned. Toward the end of that time my mum died only a year or two into her retirement and I started to think about my own life. A hatred of managing staff and the Board of Directors apparent greed at the expense of complying with laws and contractual obligations meant I made the decision to leave the company and do something different - went to work as a stores person/social mediaist/general dogs body at a classic car garage locally - minimum wage. Lasted a month before I jacked it in - got fed up with coming home filthy dirty every day and having only ever worked Mon-Fri 9-5 it turned out I was not keen on working Saturdays and dealing with early starts!

Did a couple of temporary jobs over the next month or so before landing a job in a local charity in IT again and have been there 2.5 years. Pay is ok, but obviously nowhere near what I did earn.

Yes, it is nice to work for a not for profit (but it has its share of issues as well) and nobody could argue it isn’t a worthy cause vs corporate greed, but I’ve recently ended up with staff to manage again and, at the age of 48, I feel like I’ve been there, done that and if I am honest don’t want the hassle - I’d rather not work at all, but that’s not really an option yet.

I just can’t be bothered to do much at all if I’m honest which is either a contributing factor or the root cause.

Working from home has made me resent having to go out of the house.
Working from home has also made me lazier and not wanting to go out of the house
But then I get bored and restless staying indoors - I’ve started so many hobbies and money making schemes I’ve lost count but they’ve all ended as quickly as they started.

I can’t face the prospect of having to work for another xx years.

I know life is what you make it, but surely this can’t be all there is?

I am also assuming I am making my own issues here but is anyone else feeling/felt the same? if so how did you get past it?
 
My two penneth, for what it's worth.

After 64 years of all sorts of nonsense I won't go into, I have come to the following conclusions.

Exercise daily. I do stretches and a good walk. Fresh air and a bit of weather works wonders.
Avoid alcohol as far as possible.
Apply a little self discipline, but not so much as to be burdensome.
Go to bed knowing exactly what you'll be doing tomorrow, even if it's only a small thing.
Simplify. Stuff, hobbies etc.

And, if you have love you have everything.

Obviously, life is rather more complex than that, and I could talk all day about this topic, but these are a few basics that help me.
 
Everyone is different, so it certainly isn't a case of do this and you will have everlasting happiness. but clearly you do need to do something,

I would agree with simon ess's two penneth worth.

Certainly the walking and exercising bit, (I have never felt better, both mentally and physically than what I do at present (only walking about 10 miles a week))
 
I've met many people in your predicament and I can empathise completely having been through it myself.

What you need is something completely new - a lot of people end up having an affair, which gives temporary excitement, but ultimately despair.

My advice would be to take up flying (I was a flying instructor). Any kind, it doesn't matter - what it will do is give you a completely new perspective.

Depending on your income/savings/disposable income you could choose from the following list (starting with the cheapest):

Gliding: https://www.gliding.co.uk/
Hang Gliding or Paragliding: https://www.bhpa.co.uk/
Parachuting: https://britishskydiving.org/
Microlighting: https://www.bmaa.org/
Light Aircraft: https://www.caa.co.uk/General-aviation/Learning-to-fly/Finding-a-flight-school-or-examiner/
Helicopters: https://www.britishhelicopterassociation.org/
 
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All the above are right, and I'm biased towards Trevor's reply having been a PPL for a number of years. However flying powered aircraft is a great way to make whatever pot of cash you have even smaller, so I'd say gliding or microlighting.
But, equally, I'd say go travelling for a couple of months if you can, not by air but train and bus and foot or bicycle even, so that you can meet and talk to people. Get different perspectives.
Or apply for the job of postmaster in Antarctica (story on BBC today).
Or find a counsellor (person-centred approach) to talk to.
 
I am 48 too and do sometimes wonder if it wasn't for my 2 kids what the whole point of anything is!

Climbing the corporate ladder can be draining and unfulfilling in the long term. But as you have seen, move out and its same stuff, different company. My mate took redundancy and is now doing Tesco deliveries and never been happier.

But when I think back I do far more now than I used to. Some ideas:

  • Biking - just on a hybrid, started biking up to 30 / 40 miles to new places, spot of lunch or a few pints (not in winter!)
  • Road biking - then I got a road bike for more serious biking
  • Running - sometimes, have done a few half marathons but do it more for fitness
  • Days out - I went to Koln last week for 1 night, just be to wander, take pics, eat food and drink beer. Very relaxing! Often you can get return flights for £40 with Ryanair so for me cheaper than a train to London!
  • Kayak - Am 5 miles from the River Ouse so nice to paddle, also taken it to cornwall on holiday
Other things I would love to do would be what Trevor says but not got the budget for that. But you could always do a course in something - from flower arranging to plumbing through to an OU degree! Join the local Parish council or other local groups.
 
Look around your local area and see if there are local, community organisations that could benefit from your experience and expertise, for free.
 
I think a lot of people feel the way you do to be honest.
High costs in this country are driving people into stress
to much debt seems to be the thing nowadays.
I know a few friends /couples had kids late in life now realy struggling

get out and about for sure lots of fresh air and excercise
defo less beer and alcahol also make a plan about what you want to do in the future up the line.
 
There comes a time when we need a purpose in life, and if the only purpose we've found is to please ourselves then it's hard to hide the shallowness of our existence.

I'm 60 now, one adult child, one dead, still happily married. Finding value in life is less easy than it once was. Children can definitely give meaning to life, and if I were not happily married then I'd probably have a second family. It's definitely nothing to do with having enough money, and while being poor can make life difficult, more stuff eventually increases dissatisfaction.

Being physically fit can often help mood, as can meeting people and travelling, but I still think the best cure for feeling shallow and of little value is to serve others.
 
It’s not easy sometimes a couple of years ago I felt really low but it was a toxic environment at work competitive people I didn’t cope with the stress of it all and said sod it and handed in my notice and took early retirement, best thing I ever did, I look forward to each day. Can’t now afford a new car and motorbike every couple of years or so but am happy so that’s what matters, lucky to have an understanding wife who supported me
You need to work out what you are really interested in and do that easier said than done and I’ve not worded it very well, as an example I’m into nature and wildlife so having a camera is great I go out as much as possible and photograph mostly butterflies, dragonflies etc
 
I ended up jacking in a well paid sales job last year for various reasons and I loved the people, the work and the routine but the business become so two-faced and wittnesed blatent passive aggressive bullying from HR and regional managers I didn't want to be part of that any more.

I ended up going self employed as an illustrator and loved it ever since but it is quite solitary working at home. That said I get more time with kids and get to explore photography further.

One thing that helps a lot, probably more than anything, is to actually get outside with the camera and spend a few hours exploring on my own and setting up a routine of some sort.... And getting another dog kept me mega busy, plus doing a little volunteering with RSPB in the woodland areas.
 
Just make the best of every day . If your alive and in good health snap out of it and do something anything , because as you get older and blood pressure and heart problems take over you will regret it
 
I really empathise, I have a few differences to your situation; I do have kids and while I lead a team I don't have direct management responsibility for them so I avoid most of the hassle of managing people. I never really wanted kids but (and I know this doesn't help you) they really do give it all some meaning.

That said I really don't like spending a lot of time with other people, especially acquaintances as opposed to close friends, of which I have very few and I don't see them that often. I don't really like "going out" but there are a few things that I am motivated to do, I don't necessarily really enjoy them, or at least I don't enjoy the the mental effort it takes for me get out of the door but they do scratch the itch. So I commit to things, I book tickets for things, I'm on the committee for a club, I go to various meet-ups. I look at blank spots on my calendar and make an effort to to fill them so that I have committed to an activity around once a fortnight.

And I guess that is my advice: find something that you are motivated to do, then find an organised activity which does that thing, a comedy/music gig, walking group, model rail club, painting classes, camera club, studio day, etc. and even if you think it won't be directly and immediately enjoyable, commit to going to an event, write it on your calendar/diary, pay some money, etc. and fix in your mind that you are going to do it, then getting out of the door and doing it will be a bit easier. The more you do these things, the easier (but for me at least never easy) it becomes.
 
simon ess said:
My two penneth, for what it's worth.

After 64 years of all sorts of nonsense I won't go into, I have come to the following conclusions.

Exercise daily. I do stretches and a good walk. Fresh air and a bit of weather works wonders.
Avoid alcohol as far as possible.
Apply a little self discipline, but not so much as to be burdensome.
Go to bed knowing exactly what you'll be doing tomorrow, even if it's only a small thing.
Simplify. Stuff, hobbies etc.

And, if you have love you have everything.

Obviously, life is rather more complex than that, and I could talk all day about this topic, but these are a few basics that help me.
Click to expand...
I came to the realisation some years ago that happiness really is just a chemical balance in the brain. This may seem quite nihilist (is that the right philosophical term, not sure) but knowing that fact and consequently that there are specific things that affect the balance of chemicals in the brain - such as exercise, sleep, social interaction, being part of a community, creativity / art etc - gave me a plan of action.

The real problem is when you are so down that simple logic such as the above does not appear to be true and the effort to even open the front door and go for a walk seems an impossible or pointless activity. This may need a visit to the doctor / counsellor.
PS, therapy / counselling / CBT works, I have seen relatives really bounce back, but they needed to believe in and trust their therapist.

PPS, regarding your career, have you thought about contract work? I am not sure about your skills, but IT contracts are abundant and the fact that you know that the position is not permanent - and typically pays well - allows a different perspective on the job at hand. Another alternative is looking for IT work in larger not for profits. These don't have the stress of having to produce results every quarter to please shareholders and are typically more relaxed places to work while till offering decent salaries and benefits.
 
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Rapscallion said:
consequently that there are specific things that affect the balance of chemicals in the brain
Click to expand...
It's a really good point you make and of course and food and drink. May be @bl0at3r you should cook one or two "healthy" meals each week if you don't do that already. Make a special shopping trip with a specific list of ingredients, buy them and cook a meal.
 
sirch said:
It's a really good point you make and of course and food and drink. May be @bl0at3r you should cook one or two "healthy" meals each week if you don't do that already. Make a special shopping trip with a specific list of ingredients, buy them and cook a meal.
Click to expand...

I always feel miserable after a stir fry but happy after a burger!!
 
cambsno said:
I always feel miserable after a stir fry but happy after a burger!!
Click to expand...
Most helpful, perhaps you need to up your stir fry game. Honestly I find burgers to be one of the most disappointing things, massively over promises and under delivers. Cheap meat, easily cooked, it's better for the restaurant than it is for you. All that said there is nothing necessarily unhealthy about a burger done well.
 
A lot of interesting food for thought above, but the best food I've had for changing my state of mental health was to do a juicing diet for 2 weeks - nothing but juices (a commercial diet Jason Vale). Apart from de-toxing, and losing a few pounds, it reinvigorated me mentally and physically.

Another thought, as you OP are an articulate sort: start a diary to record how you really - I mean really - feel, your reactions to things, what you think about things, for a while, and see if expressing yourself in that way brings some clarity of thought.
 
@lindsay certainly agree about the diet thing , i'm currently in a fight with cholesterol and changing to some foods i never thought i would enjoy has opened things up a lot chick peas with everything !
 
My 2p of advise is exercise.

Pick a time, any time - before/after work, lunchtime, evening and stick to it. Walk around the garden (if you have one) or walk around the block, walk down a county lane if you are that lucky but just take the time. 10 minutes or an hour and 10 minutes doesn't matter, just make it part of your day.

It can work wonders!

Edit - this won't fix problems but it will help you see more clearly.
 
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I started as an electrician but got bored and moved into electronics working in the repair centre of a computer manufacturer but quickly grew bored again and moved into the field. After 12 years doing that and being a total workaholic I'd had enough and took a sideways path for another 12 years and then at the age of 49 I decided to leave full time paid employment. I thought I'd volunteer for something but that never happened and I became a carer for a family member but in the early days I had time to go on some holidays and get married. I can't see myself ever wanting to go back to work now.

I think taking a long hard look at your life is a good thing. I made a list of things I wanted to change and wanted to do and thought about how I could change my life and get where I wanted to be and although I have my issues in life, massive family issues mainly, I don't regret making changes and in fact I wish I'd done it sooner rather than just getting lost in a career that took over my life.

Not everyone can afford to make radical changes but moving into another job if you need to keep the money coming in could help shake things up and lead to a happier life. Getting that job could be a problem but a sideways move using existing skills and qualifications could be possible and retraining or going for something completely different could also be possibilities at any age. With a bit of luck. For example Mrs is er... sorry, can't say a ladies age :D but has been offered a couple of jobs completely away from what she used to do. She doesn't want to go back to work though.

If the reality is a ho-hum job or one you actively hate then you'll need to make changes elsewhere to balance things out and live with that reality. How that can be done I don't know as we're all different. Music lifts me, for some it's something else and there's a multitude of options and possibilities.

Good luck with it Ernie but you'll need to think, plan and act.
 
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