how to speak real english, guide for southerners

Ashers

Suspended / Banned
Messages
2,981
Name
Ash
Edit My Images
Yes
heres how to speak lancashire for wen u visit gods own county

THE LANKY DEFINITE ARTICLE.
There is no Lanky definite article. Merely substitute a small half-strangled explosion of air from the back of the throat. Therefore, 'down the colliery' will become 'deawnt pit'. Master this and you have mastered the first basic rule of speaking Lanky.
Basic (but not too basic) Expressions
Aye
Yes
Now
No
Sithee
Behold
Eigh Up
Hello/Well I never/Please move
Dust?
Do you?
Uz'll
We will
Ast?
Have you?
Worrell
What will
Owdonabit serry!
Just one moment if you please sir...
Yah! and Nay!
Yes and No (when contradicting)
Tha wa'?
Pardon?
Arta?
Are you?
Them'll
They will
Speighk proper!
You are not using the correct Lancashire vernacular!
WITH NO APOLOGIES TER'T TYKES...


Yorkscoatofarmsgif.gif


Explanation of the Y***shire Coat of Arms: (As Discovered at Payfersod Hall, the home of the weaving magnate, Sir Titus Aduxarse of Bradford...)
A Fly will sup with anybody - and so will a Yorkshireman
A Flea will put the bite on anybody - and so will a Yorkshireman
A Magpie will chatter with anybody - and so will a Yorkshireman
And a Side of Bacon is never any good until it's been hanged....
LANKY COAT OF ARMS - A Y***SHIREMAN'S REVENGE!

I found this Yorky riposte to the above on a postcard which was printed in Halifax, Y***shire - probably around the 1920's. It isn't as funny as the Lanky one though....

lankypostcard.jpg

A BUG, OWL, PER 0’ CLOGS an’ a JUG O’ OWD ALE
Are t’ mottoes o’t Lancashireman ut nevver ul fail;
Far he’ll swagger un brag till lies fair black i’th een
Abewt what he’s done, or ewt ut he’s seen.
Na a Bug is a nuisance where iver he’s fan
An by guy it’s same wi a Lancashireman.
Fer beein’ fond ut dark ther’s neawt tew beat t’Owl,
But t’Lancashireman’s second, fer he’s allus on t preawl.
CLOGS kum in gradely when there’s somedy to tan.
Far he’ll poise em to’t deeath ul a Lancashireman.
Ut sampling owd ‘ale he’ll nevver be beat
‘Till he cocks up his shoon an his een loises t’leet.
 
USEFUL ABUSEFUL PHRASES.
It’s as well to know when you are being insulted in Lancashire. The following will give you a fair indication...
Th'art as much use as a one-legged mon at an arse-kicking contest.
You aren't much use at all!
Dust want a leather 'n' timber kiss?
(How do you fancy a kick from my clog?)
Ah'll tek a bit o' thi wom (home) in me pocket.
(There'll be bits of you missing when I've finished!)
Thaz a face lahk a constipated bloodhound!
(Smile, please.)
If tha'd hafe a brain, tha'd be an ape.
(You are somewhat deficient in grey matter.)
Th'art purrin' (putting thi yed in a dog kennel!
(Don't mess about with me or you'll get in trouble.)
Tha favvers tha's bin punched gether.
(You look slightly deformed.)
Tha skens (squints) enoof ter crack a lookin'-glass.
Tha skens enoof ter upset an 'orse an' cart.
Tha skens lahk a basket o' whelks.
( Unkind remarks to one with cross-eyes.)
Ah'll gi thi some clog toe pie.
(Not an invitation to dinner- this is an offer to give you a good kicking.)
Thaz a nose lahk a blind cobbler's thumb!
(Your nose is a funny shape!)
Th'art nor 'avvin' me on a butty.
(Don't try it on with me.)
Ah'll snatch thi breath!
(I'll kill you!)
Ah'll tek it eawt thi ribs!
(Pay what you owe me or I'll have the satisfaction of giving you a good hiding!)
Art tawkin' ter me or chewin' a brick?
(You are conversing rather indistinctly.)
WE'VE SUPPED SOME STUFF!

lancas2.gif



THINGS WE SAY
- Glittering jewels of Lanky folk wisdom that have been passed down along the ages - like mumps, scarlet fever and athlete’s foot...
A shut meawth (mouth) keeps flies eawt.
(If you keep your mouth closed, you won’t get in bother; so keep quiet and don't repeat others' gossip.)
Second 'un sits on t' best knee.
(The second wife of a marriage frequently gets treated better than the first one.)
'Im in t' neet wi' t' rag arm.
(Him in the night with the amputated arm - a nonsense retort for parrying inquisitive people who want to know who you are talking about.)
Muck midden pride - a carriage weddin' an' a wheelbarrow flittin'.
(The price you pay for being "showy".)
Beauty's only skin deep - but it's a bugger when tha 'ast use a pick ter ger at it. ..
(There's ugliness - and then there’s ugliness.)
Tha met bi born but th'art not dee-erd yet.
(You might be born but you're not dead yet, i.e.. you might be congratulating yourself that you are doing very nicely - but a lot of nasty things could happen to you before you die, so don’t be too sure of yourself.)
Th'arl come to thi cake an' milk.
(You'll get what's coming to you.)
Co-opcartkecktooerandthosstukboggarts
The four wheeled vehicle belonging to the Co-operative Wholesale Society has overturned and the horse has bolted in fright.

AT THE DOC'S * at the Doctor's
Ah'm reet jiggered.
I am tired out.
Ah'm peawfagged.
I am weary
Ah'm up stick.Ah've bin playin' Hide the Sausage.
I am pregnant.
Ah'm bun up.Ah cud do wi summat purra road through me.
I am somewhat constipated.
Ah've a spile in mi ond
I have a splinter in my hand.
Ah keep gooin mazey.
I suffer from dizzy spells.
Ah'm wake.
I am weak.
Ah think ahm mendin.
I feel a lot better now.
 
SKRIKE

To cry. As in:

"Shurrup skrikin' or ah'll gi' thi' summat skrike abeawt!"

"He were fair skrikin his een eawt" (Crying his eyes out).

Comes from our Scandinavian ancestors. Still used in Norway under a differing form I believe.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MANK

To mess around or fool about, usually getting on someone's nerves, as in:

"Put that water pistol deawn - th'art 23.. Grow up and stop manking abeawt. "


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOOT

To be nosy, as in:

"Look at her, tootin' through them net curtains"

Comes from the Anglo Saxon meaning to spy.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SPARROWFART

Early in the day, as in:

I were up at crack o' sparrowfart.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SPONNY

Brand New.

As in: I geet a bike off me mam fer me birthday - an' it were sponny!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LUG

A knot in your hair,

If you comb your hair and it catches on a knot, you have lugged it.

From the Scandinavian


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NIG NOG

Silly Person.

Not an abusive or racial term. This is an old expression used in the North West to express mild disapproval of someone's actions.

As in: "Tha cawn't even spell thi own name -th'art a bluddy nig nog"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PRATERS

Potatoes.

Prater Pie is a favourite in Lancashire as are Prater Cakes (potato cakes) - boiled spuds mashed, seasoned and mixed with flour and baked in the oven. Served with best butter and celery.

If you pill't praters, you peel the potatoes.

"It's praters" means (for some reason) -it's all over with as in : "It's praters for him" (He's dying).


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WAZZUM

(Rhymes with chasm)

A worm.

As in: "Let's get some wazzums an go feeshin...

Let's get some worms and go fishing


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FAWCE.....

(Rhymes with Sauce)

Meaning cunning, crafty, conniving....

As in: He's as fawce as a ferret.....

He is a very crafty person...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SKEN

To have cross eyes.

As in: He skens lahk a basket o' whelks.

He is badly cross-eyed.

This is a corruption of "a basket of whelps" ie newly-born puppies. Seafood does not, to the best of my knowledge, sken.

(There is a pub in Tyldesley, Lancashire which the locals called Skenning Bob's because of a former landlord's terrible squint. It is now officially called Skenner's.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GETTEN

Got.

Very similar to the American "gotten". An Anglo Saxon ending.

As in: 'As 'e etten what 'e's getten?

Has he eaten what he has got?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EGGWAP



A mild term of abuse. Perhaps someone has inadvertently knocked over your pint of best mild...

As in: "Yer ruddy greyt eggwap!"

You stupid person.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEITHER

The ei pronounced as in eight. Or sometimes as in "I".

To annoy; worry; or bother someone. To worry oneself. Someone who talks a lot.

As in: "Stop meitherin me." Or "She could meither a nest o' rats". Or I don't know what th'art meitherin' thisel abeawt".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YEDWARCH

A Headache.

Also Bellywarch - stomach-ache.

I was in an art gallery in Copenhagen in 1999 and I was admiring a self-portrait oil-painting by a famous Danish artist. I remarked to the gallery proprietor that the artist looked like he enjoyed a drink. "Yes", he replied. "The next morning his head always warc." I was in ecstasy - the Norwegians were actually using Lanky dialect!

(Actually from the Scandinavian warcan - to ache).


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THRUTCH

One of the best all-purpose Lanky words. A personal favourite of mine...

It means to strain excessively on the lavatory. As in "I were thrutchin' fer ages but nowt happened."

Or, as in "Give it a bit of a thrutch." A push, a knock, a bang...

Or, as in "Thrutch up". Move up...
 
SEAWND O'T SEA -*Sound of the Sea

©( Dave Dutton)

A dialect poem about a man who served on the North Atlantic convoys in the Second World War and the memories brought back to him by his grandson's seaside shell.

Row on row they come in hard.

Angry waves tup promenade;

Snarlin’, smashin’, spittin’, strikin'-

O'erhead a seagull skrikin’.



Each wave dees upon the rocks,

Shattert in a million drops;

Diamonds of the sea so wild,

Each reflects a mon and childt.



'Uddledt gether, stayin' waarm

Grandad keeps the lad from harm;

Salty-soaked an' flecked wi' spray,

Each views t'sea a diff'rent way.



Little boy picks up a shell

Tossed on't promenade bi't swell.

"Sithee grandad war ah've fun!"

"Aye lad, come on-it's tahm't go wom".



Back awom an' far from't sea,

T' childt sits on his grandad's knee.

E taks ‘is little shell so dear

An' presses it ter't th'owd mon's ear.



"Neaw then grandad-what con't hear?"

Th'owd mon's eyes grow wide wi' fear-

An empty shell's awakkent dreams,

Fillt wi' feigher an' dead men's screams.



North Atlantic- Forty Three,

Torpedo makes its way through't sea.

White faced sailors 'owd their breath-

One heartbeat away from death.



A searin’' blast-then't sea's aflame

Fillt wi' men who skrike God's name,

Wi faces brunt, they choke an' gasp

Tossed lahk rag dolls in't th'ocean's grasp.



Desperate men claw one another

An' former comrades feight each other

Fer bits o' wood that float on't sea-

Fer who's fert live, an' who's fert dee.



Suddenly, a voice breyks through.

"Grandad! Grandad! What’s to do?!"

It shatters neetmares in his yed

As th’hungry sea reclaims its dead.



"Nuthin’s wrung lad - aw is well"

"But Grandad - what did’t hear in’t shell?"

"Nothin’ owd love fert bother thee.

It’s seawnd o’t sea. Just seawnd o’t sea..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the factory chimney belonging to Howe Bridge Mills at the corner of Mealhouse Lane and Bag Lane, was knocked down, I went to watch.

There were scores of people there including some, I imagine, who had worked at the mill and who came away more than a little heavy-hearted and sad that this familiar landmark had been taken away. It reminded us that the cotton industry which, along with the pits, had been the life-blood of the town was in decline and it was one less link with the past.

It reminded me of a public execution. So I attributed a personality to the old chimney and went home and wrote this poem in memory of it.



FOR A DOOMED FACTORY CHIMNEY.



Creawds o' folk have come fert watch thi dee,

Owd familiar friend.

Th'art useless and unwanted dosta see.

Thi life mun end.



Preawd tha stonds like one o't th'upper crust.

Soon tha'll be gone.

And of thi memory, there'll be nowt but dust.

Like mortal mon.



For years tha played a leading part on't stage

And played it well.

And saw th'awf-timers through to ripe owd age

Just like thisel.



Whene'er tha breathed, tha breathed life into't place

But that's in't past.

When Progress says "I dunnot like thy face"

Tha's breathed thi last.



Here comes thi executioner deawnt street.

Thi life is dun wi.

I'm sure tha'd try't escape if tha'd but geet

Some legs fert run wi.



Creawds hushed and silent neaw and then comes one

Almighty crack.

Tha topples o'er and then tha's gone

Wi brokken back.



And th'eyes that watched thi faw neaw fill wi tears.

Folk realise.

Theaw were a symbol o' their workin' years.

Neaw dead tha lies.



An epitaph fer thee I've written deawn

I'll say it clear.

Here lies t'body of a forgotten cotton teawn

RIP Lancashire.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IN EAWR TEAWN..©

by Dave Dutton.

- Lancashire life today?

In eawr teawn, we live on’t dole

We've spun aw't cotton, we’ve brunt awt coal.

We've getten etten up bi a bigger teawn-

If things get any wuss, they'll hafta close the beggar deawn.



In eawr teawn, we think it's nice

Livin in't People's Paradise

To live wheer wur born is what we like

But we're towd we’st aft get on eawr bike.



In eawr teawn, we think it's great

Kids sniff glue an’ stop eawt late;

Muggers deawn each. ginnel lurk,

But they ceawnt steyl eawr wages

Cos noan of us werk.



In eawr teawn, we’re very close

If one gets 'flu, we aw gerra dose.

Wi’ aw't kids names we are acquainted-

Cos they ‘ re sprayed aw oo’er’t waws an’ painted.



In eawr teawn, we aw gut Club

Them as dunt gut Club gut Pub.

Them as dunt gut Pub gut Bed-

But only them who’ve just geet wed.



In eawr teawn, there’s nowt fer't do -

They’ve closed deawn’t flicks and bowing greens too;

There’s only Bingo but that’s reet dull.

Ah’d kill mesel but Cemetery’s full.



In eawr teawn, we spend aw day

Watchin’ telly and suppin’ tay;

Ah’d emigrate, but fer what it’s worth

EAWR TEAWN IS FINEST PLACE ON EARTH!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BOWTON'S YARD by SAMUEL LAYCOCK.


This was a favourite poem for recitations many years ago. One of the most famous Lancashire poems.

At number one ' Bowton's Yard, mi gronny keeps a skoo,
Hoo hasna' mony scholars yet, hoo's nobbut one or two;
They sen th'owd woman's rayther cross - well, well, it may be so;
Aw know hoo boxed me rarely once, an poo'd me ears an' on.

At number two lives widow Burns, hoo weshes clooas for folk;
Ther Billy, that;s her son, gets jobs at wheelin' coke;
They sen hoo cooarts wi' Sam-o-Neds, 'at lives at number three;
It may be so, aw canno' tell, it matters nowt to me.

At number three, reet facin' th'pump, Ned Grimshaw keeps a shop;
He's Eccles-cakes an' gingerbread an' traycle beer an' pop;
He sells oat cakes an' o does Ned, he 'as boath soft an' hard,
An, everybody buys off him 'at lives i' Bowton's Yard.

At number four, Jack Blunderick lives; he goes to th'mill an' wayves;
An' then, at th'week-end, when he's time, he pows a bit an' shaves;
He's badly off is Jack, poor lad! he's rayther lawm, they sen,
An' his childer keep him down a bit, aw think they'n nine or ten.

At number five aw live misel', wi' owd Susannah Grimes,
But dunno like so very weel, hoo turns me eawt sometimes;
An' when aw'm in ther's ne'er no leet, aw have to ceawer in't dark;
Aw conno pay mi lodgin' brass becose aw'm eawt o' wark.

At number six, next door to us, and close to th'side o'th speawt,
Owd Susie Collins sells smo' drink, but hoo's welly allus beawt;
An heaw it is, ut that is so, aw'm sure aw conno' tell,
Hoo happen mak's it very sweet, an' sups it o hersel'.

At number seven ther's nob'dy lives, they laft it yesterday,
Th' bum-baylis coom an' marked the'r things, an' took 'em o away;
They took 'em in a donkey cart - aw know nowt wheer they went-
Aw reckon they've bin ta'en an' sowd becose they owed some rent.

At number eight - they're Yawshur folk - ther's only th'mon an' th'woife,
Aw think aw ne'er seed nicer folk nor these in aw mi loife!
Yo'll never see 'em foin' eawt, loike lots o' married folk,
They allus seemgood-temper't like, an' ready wi' a joke.

At number nine,th'owd cobbler lives, th'owd chap ut mends mi shoon,
He's gettin' very wake an' done, he'll ha' to leeov us soon;
He reads his Bible every day, an' sings just loike a lark,
He says he's practisin' for heaven - he's welly done his wark.

At number ten James Bowton lives, he's th'noicest heawse in't row;
He's allus plenty o' summat t'ate, an' lots o' brass an' o;
An' when he rides or walks abeawt he's dressed up very fine,
But he isn't hawve as near to heaven as him at number nine.

At number ten, mi uncle lives, aw co him Uncle Tum,
He goes to concerts up an' deawn an' plays a kettle-drum;
I' bands o' music, an' sich things, he seems to tak' a pride,
An' allus mak's as big a noise as o i'th' place beside.

At number twelve at th'eend o't row, Joe Stiggins deols i' ale;
He's sixpenny an' fourpenny, dark-colour't an' he's pale;
But aw ne'er touch it, for I know it's ruin't mony a bard,
Aw'm th'only chap as doesn't drink 'at lives i' Bowton's Yard.

An' neaw aw've done, aw'll say goodbye, an' leov yo' for a while;
Aw know aw haven't towd mi take i' sich a fust-rate style;
But iv yo're pleas't aw'm satisfied, an' ax for no reward
For tellin' who mi neighbours are ut live in Bowton's Yard.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BONNY BRID

by Sam Laycock.


Th'art welcome, little bonny brid,
But shouldn't ha' come just when tha did;
Toimes are bad.
We're short o' pobbies for eawr Joe,
But that, of course, tha didn't know,
Did ta, lad?

Aw've often yeard mi feyther tell,
'At when aw coom i' th' world misel'
Trade wur slack;
An' neaw it's hard wark pooin' throo —
But aw munno fear thee, iv aw do
Tha'll go back.

Cheer up! these toimes'll awter soon;
Aw'm beawn to beigh another spoon —
One for thee;
An', as tha's sich a pratty face
Aw'll let thee have eawr Charley's place
On mi knee.

God bless thee, love, aw'm fain tha'rt come,
Just try an' mak' thisel awhoam:
Here's thi nest;
Tha'rt loike thi mother to a tee,
But tha's thi feyther's nose, aw see,
Well, aw'm blest!

Come, come tha needn't look so shy,
Aw am no' blamin' thee, not I;
Settle deawn,
An' tak' this haupney for thisel,
There's lots o' sugar-sticks to sell
Deawn i' th' teawn.

Aw know when furst aw coom to th' leet,
Aw're fond o' owt' at tasted sweet;
Tha'll be th' same.
But come, tha's never towd thi dad
What he's to co thee yet, mi lad —
What's thi name?

Hush! hush! tha mustn't cry this way,
But get this sope o' cinder tay
While it's warm;
Mi mother used to give it me,
When aw wur sich a lad as thee,
In her arm.

Hush-a-babby, hush-a-bee,
Oh, what a temper! dear-a-me
Heaw tha skrikes!
Here's a bit o' sugar, sithee;
Howd thi noise, an' then aw'll gie thee
Owt tha likes.

We've nobbut getten coarsish fare,
But, eawt o' this tha'll get thi share,
Never fear.
Aw hope tha'll never want a meal,
But allis fill thi bally weel
While tha'rt here.

Thi feyther's noan been wed so long,
An'yet tha sees he's middlin' throng
Wi' yo' o.
Besides thi little brother Ted,
We've one upsteers, asleep i' bed,
Wi' eawr Joe.

But tho' we've childer two or three,
We'll mak' a bit o' reawm for thee,
Bless thee, lad!
Tha'rt th' prattiest brid we have i' th' nest,
So hutch up closer to mi breast;
Aw'm thi dad.
 
Say it in lancashire too, as its the queens only county, lol, part of the argument :D
 
Thay can knock all this on yed reet now or I'll start on wi me pottries tawk and then yeel na it ! We cos kick a bo' gan a wo, yed it bok an' bost it down 'ere, can theet ? :D
 
Bloody Stoke on trent lol, the most violent city in the north lol, and who says I wont like it... well going through the building site of stoke... I dont think I will lol lol, and if thee dont shaddap il wallap your arse an have thee skrikin.
 
Us softy southerners have been having Yorkshire lessons for years...from Yorkshires' greatest export......Emmerdale:LOL::LOL:
 
Bloody Stoke on trent lol, the most violent city in the north

That's why they put a motorway at both ends mate, just in case one of the escape routes was blocked ! :LOL:
 
Whats that yorkshire saying about being strong in the arm and thick in the head?
 
it was rated most violent with one street of pubs in particular :)
 
Back
Top