The World According to Clarkson

Joe T

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CLARKSON QUOTES



"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."



"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."


"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"


..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"


"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"



On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"



Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"


"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"



"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"



"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'


"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"


"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"


(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"


"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""


(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"


Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'


"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"


"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"


1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"


"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"


"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."


"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"


In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.


"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."


Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"


"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."


"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"


"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"


"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "


"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."


"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"


"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green


Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.


"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
:D
 
I like Clarkson :D
 
He just must be American ... :shrug:




;)



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:agree:
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has my sort of humour down pat
 
I use to like Clarkson
Until he made a daft statement about putting a rope across the road outside his house to stop fast & noisy motorbikes.
Now I just think he's a ****
 
I had a feeling that this thread would polarise opinion! All part of the fun! :D

it was bound to Joe :D
You just know Clarkson is gonna upset someone at sometime as he takes the urine out of everything motorised at some point, I like his dry humour (y)
 
:LOL: ... A word not in my vocabulary I'm afraid LL ... :D


Just goes to show you don't need brains to land the plum jobs ... :cautious: ... if that's what you think qualifies as a plum job ... :shrug:




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:LOL: Excellent. I remember some of the things quoted on there.
 
even if you dont think driving some s**t hot machinery ISNT a plum job!

:LOL:

Mmm, some people get to do that outside of their job - hey Ven?

:LOL:
 
There is a comedic style where you insult for humour and after initially not liking Clarkson I have grown to his on-screen style.

His apparent hatred for bikers and caravans is just good TV..... and may be single handedly responsible for the largest amount of shed-draggers ever on British roads this year. Makes you think.

Having read a lot of his articles I prefer him as a writer than a TV presenter but I am sure his pay is better on TV.



Oh and Ven hates him because he slags off jags:p
 
There is a style where you insult Clarkson because he slags off jags:p


:LOL: HuN ... but not at all he just hasn't the first idea how to drive them to critique on the experience in anything other than a subjective manner ... imgo of course ... :shrug:










Oh and because it is damn good thread material ... ;)



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I used to hate Top Gear, but now i love it. But i dont know why. The whole show is sooo scripted, the VT challenges they do are contrived and i cant stand the tall hairy bloke. It's so bl**dy addictive though.
Dean:)
 
I can't remember the car he was reviewing, but Clarkson said " A horse could make love to the panel gaps in this car!" :LOL:
 
The guy is great. I'm not into cars at all but Clarkson makes Top Gear worth watching. It just wouldn't be the same without him :)


And he's a fellow Tyke :)
 
Top guy, comes out with some absolute classics, top gear is one of the best things on the tele. I want it back on now!!!!
 
I was watching the USA roadtrip episode again on UKTV G2 at the weekend, and they cut the good bit out when JC had that cow on his roof and how he reversed and turned to roll the cow off - it was cut :bat: :wacky:
 
I was watching the USA roadtrip episode again on UKTV G2 at the weekend, and they cut the good bit out when JC had that cow on his roof and how he reversed and turned to roll the cow off - it was cut :bat: :wacky:

They`ve got to cut it to make room for the adverts!
 
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