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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- George.
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Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"
Tringa
Numpty of the Day'
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Not a joke but I was amused by a letter I received today.
It was from an online clothing company I've used quite a few times and was addressed to me by name 'Dear Mr .......'
It included a voucher so my next order would be discounted and the letter included an encouragement for me to order some, 'beautiful dresses' !
Dave
It was from an online clothing company I've used quite a few times and was addressed to me by name 'Dear Mr .......'
It included a voucher so my next order would be discounted and the letter included an encouragement for me to order some, 'beautiful dresses' !
Dave
OP
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- The real Chris
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I'm sure you will look very fetching Dave, don't forget to post some images
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- Malc
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You could be Davina on weekends.
Tringa
Numpty of the Day'
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- Dave
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I'm sure you will look very fetching Dave, don't forget to post some images
Ooh, you are awful, but I like you.
Dave
badlywornroy
I am not macho
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- Roy
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My Wife and I went to an exotic food restaurant last night and I had a Pelican curry !
I’ve tried crocodile steak, buffalo and ostrich burgers before but never Pelican.
The meat was tender like the dark meat of a duck but tasted more like chicken.
It tasted lovely but the bill was enormous.
I’ve tried crocodile steak, buffalo and ostrich burgers before but never Pelican.
The meat was tender like the dark meat of a duck but tasted more like chicken.
It tasted lovely but the bill was enormous.
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- Martin
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In the same vein:
How do you teach a duck to play soul music?
Put him in a warm oven until e'is bill withers.
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I just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together.
It was riveting.
It was riveting.
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- George.
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Husband’s call to his wife:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
Nod
Tootles
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- Nod (UK)
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- ken
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How to live dangerously.......
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- George.
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While on a date a women goes to the bathroom
Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room
Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!
Man: It's not a big deal.
Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.
Man: ...............
Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room
Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!
Man: It's not a big deal.
Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.
Man: ...............
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Gremlin
Houdini
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- Ingrid
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An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no "after life" at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear
me?
"Is that you, Frank?
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.
"That's wonderful! What's it like?
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun andthen have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper,it's back to the golf course again. Then
it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
Their biggest fear was that there was no "after life" at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear
me?
"Is that you, Frank?
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.
"That's wonderful! What's it like?
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun andthen have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper,it's back to the golf course again. Then
it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
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- Graeme
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I was standing at the bar in my local pub when a little Chinese man came in, stood next to me and started drinking a beer.
I said to him, “Are you an expert in any of the martial arts like Kung-fu, karate or Ju- jitsu ?”
“No” he said. “Why you ask me that ? Is it coz I’m Chinese ?”
I said, “ No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint !”
I said to him, “Are you an expert in any of the martial arts like Kung-fu, karate or Ju- jitsu ?”
“No” he said. “Why you ask me that ? Is it coz I’m Chinese ?”
I said, “ No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint !”
badlywornroy
I am not macho
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Careful, this sort of thing can happen. I got a fine via photograph for driving through a bus-only section of road that was about 10 yds long; didn't see it at all.