The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

...: When you put his head in a plastic bag, he suffocated.....

...groan...
 
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Possibly a repost!
 
"What can we do with all these soldiers that we are bringing home from Germany chief?" ........................................ "Drill baby, drill!"
 
STOP PRESS

The government have pleaded with the public not to pack out the beaches this bank holiday.

There are concerns that immigrant boats will have nowhere to land.
 
My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your sh1t any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you.

I’m leaving now.
Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”

She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.

That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Gary and I”
 
I have been asked to wear a 'Vote Labour' T-shirt for 2 weeks as part of a social experiment to see how people react.

So far I have been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at me.

I’m curious to see what’s going to happen when I leave the house !
 
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.

“Nothing” I slurred.

“Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
 
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Johnny was in 6th Grade , and his parents felt since he was advanced they wanted him moved up a grade . so the teacher took little Johnny to the principals office to discuss the situation .
the teacher said to the principal watch I’m gonna ask him some questions , so the teacher said Johnny what’s 12×12 ? Little Johnny replied 144 . then the teacher asked Johnny what does a dog do that a man steps into?
Johnny replied pants . Her next question Was what goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet ? and Johnny said bubblegum!!
then the teacher asked Johnny what do men have in their pants that women don’t? and Johnny replied pockets.
Lastly the teacher asked Johnny what starts with the letter F and ends in a K and leads to red hot excitement and Johnny said fire truck the principal said HELL!! pass him up 2 grades even I got them all wrong.
 
I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day. There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together making love i thought to myself...... these tazers are well worth the money!
 
Quote of the day in the Wiscombe Park paddock (local hillclimb hill, hosting the Vintage Sports Car Club).

"Let him drive my car? I wouldn't let him push my ***king wheel barrow!" delivered in the plummy tones one would expect from an Alvis owner!!!
 
Nod said:
Quote of the day in the Wiscombe Park paddock (local hillclimb hill, hosting the Vintage Sports Car Club).

"Let him drive my car? I wouldn't let him push my ***king wheel barrow!" delivered in the plummy tones one would expect from an Alvis owner!!!
Click to expand...

My grandfather drove an Alvis - he was a painter and decorator in South East London. :LOL:
 
They prefer to refer to it as "our internet presence"...
 
Guitarist Kerry Livgren, of the band Kansas, was giving his son a driving lesson but things weren't going well. The car was all over the road. Finally, they encountered a dead animal in the road.

His son said, "What's that, Dad?"

Livgren replied, "Carrion, my wayward son."
 
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Been there, done that, just can't remember where I put the T-shirt (if I bought one...)
 
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