My life.

Wow so sorry to read this Alan , touch wood 95% of my family are fine .the oldest lad is married to a isolation freak ,but that’s due to her own family history having to keep out of the limelight as they were quite infamous ..
Can’t offer any advice at all never been in that situation . Just take care , make sure your wife is o.k that’s more important than anything at the moment .,try to calm down ..and phone docs/ Samaritans or anyone else mentioned above
All the best mate
 
Alan,

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear of your situation and, from my own experience, would reiterate all the postings encouraging you to seek help.

To put my own situation into context. My Wife was diagnosed with early onset dementia at age 58. I had retired early and became her carer. Initially, life went on largely as normal, but with adjustments. We also received support under the Young Dementia Team of the local NHS Trust. As things progressed, the diagnosis changed to Alzheimer's and then Advanced Alzheimer's. Having moved around the country with work, I had no relatives nearby and the pressure of being sole carer was enormous. Each day you take on just one more responsibility, and do not notice that incrementally you have taken on more and more. It's only when you stop that you become aware. This is the danger. I think this is were you may be.

My Wife deteriorated and was hospitalised for 20 weeks. At which time I was informed not to attempt to care for her at home anymore. I found a wonderful care home, the first Dementia care home in the UK to attain "outstanding" status. The best thing I did for both my Wife and myself. Sadly after looking after her at home for 9 years and then 3 1/2 years in the care home she passed away in July 2019. Sad but also a blessed relief.

During the time I was looking after my Wife at home I had linked up with Alzheimer's Society and a local charity. They provided great assistance and resources that we could join in with. In the later stages Social Services became involved and, although helpful, were clearly stretched and I had to fight to obtain the necessary assistance - be prepared to do this.

I live on West Yorkshire/ North Yorkshire border, so not too many miles from you. In fact the Dementia services are provided by the same NHS Trust (Tees, Esk & Wear Valley - TEWV NHS Trust).

There is usually a branch of Carer's UK locally - may have a different name. Your Doctor's surgery will have details. They will also be able to refer you to Social Services and maybe other charities in your area. Looking online you have one near you - Teeside dementia link services - (www.tdls2016.org) - they maybe worth a call.

Please get in touch with your Doctor and start the ball rolling.

I wish you all the best in this difficult journey.

Ken
 
Alan,

Just one thought to share with you. I found that many people my Wife and I regarded as friends slowly disappeared from the scene. In hindsight I do not believe they knew how to handle being near someone with Alzheimer's. In fact, I think there was fear. This may be the mind set of your Sisters. It may be the underlying force in their responses. Ignore them, but don't blame them.

Ken
 
Nikon Ken said:
Alan,

Just one thought to share with you. I found that many people my Wife and I regarded as friends slowly disappeared from the scene. In hindsight I do not believe they knew how to handle being near someone with Alzheimer's. In fact, I think there was fear. This may be the mind set of your Sisters. It may be the underlying force in their responses. Ignore them, but don't blame them.

Ken
Click to expand...


That is so true with my mother, life long friends don't want to know and won't even phone for a talk only one out of about 20 odd phones every day.
 
There might be a fear aspect but she is a nurse and claims to be the expert on all things medical despite never to my knowledge having spent any time at all with elderly or Alzheimer's patients as she's behind the scenes not on any front line and hasn't been for decades. That didn't stop her interfering and trying to tell me about the medication when she did come forgetting I've been doing the meds and everything else every day for years. I think the nuclear explosion was because I asked her to come one day a fortnight to both help me and spend some time with mam and she simply doesn't want to do it and resents being asked. I could see the cogs turning as she came up with excuse upon lie.

Yesterday was a nightmare. I didn't sleep, just sat up watching films, weeping on and off and drinking tea all night and today... the runs, doubtless due to all the stress and upset yesterday. My wife announced today she wants to go back to Thailand which of course was shattering to hear but she later just switched completely and now has the attitude that my sister and her daughter are out of our lives and we'll never mention them again. I don't think she's ever experienced anything like yesterday in her life. It is hard despite the antics yesterday as obviously I've known my sister all my life and I baby sat, played with, read stories to and all the rest to her daughter. I would accept my sister back but I don't think that's an option. We swapped things we'd borrowed and keys today and I think that's it. I don't know what she told her daughter I'd done but I assume it was a pack of lies so I don't know how much blame to lay on her but I am saddened and disappointed, angry even, that instead of talking to me my niece (a mental health professional) chose to send a hurtful message to my wife who is truly innocent in all this. I've done my crying and soul searching over them. I'm done with them both now.

I have a hospital appointment on Thursday (a problem with my right foot) and my other sis is coming for the day so I'll hold everything as I need to change the bedding, clean the house and get everything set in case I'm laid up for a while and then I will get help from somewhere. This thread is here for me to reread if I have brain fade.

Thanks all.
 
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Alan, there's plenty of good advice & experiences already shared in here. I know you & Mrs WW are doing very difficult tasks every single day & I do really respect you for that. But please, both of you, seek out some help in one form or another asap.
 
Apart from the usual grind it's been a nightmare Lee. My sisters have had fall outs before but this was on a whole new level, just psychotic. Other than that today I've had to deal with the alternative reality where she has a husband, they were married in secret and no one knows and the anxiousness and conspiracy theories which seems almost a relief after the family issues.

Light at the end of the tunnel now I hope.
 
Alan, I can sympathise and understand a *little* bit, but just to say, I'm really sorry you're both going through all this. Thinking of you guys.
 
Just be careful about how much you take on, you dont want to make yourself ill over this.

When I cared for my nan she might have had early stage Alzheimers (although quite possibly just old age) but it felt at times like whatever you did was not enough. She could play the guilt card very well, although luckily I was very strong willed and managed to be firm but fair. Got carers to come round twice a day to help with tablets and basic stuff which meant I could focus on weekend stuff, shopping etc...

It is hard, everytime the phone rings you dread answering it. But what Dave above said around mountain leadership is very true.
 
Alan,

I'm truly sorry to hear this. Please remember you and Mrs WW are important in all of this. It sounds trite and I don't mean to but if you go off bang it wont help anyone and will cause a lot of hurt. Help, both emotionally and practically is available and although its sometimes frustrating to deal with just remember people are helping you.

Please go to see your doctor. They will help and will put you in touch with more resources.

Sadly, you can't choose your family. You have nothing but my sympathy and best wishes there. I know family can be difficult to deal with. My FiL is on his last legs and has late stage dementia. My brother and mother in law are both well meaning and trying to help. That doesn't make bad medical advice any easier to take gracefully and they're trying to help. I can only imagine how difficult your situation is.

I'm thinking about you
 
Thanks all.

It's all been difficult since my sister blew up and again she pushed a note through the door this morning to say she wanted her bingo game back (yes, really...) so mam got very upset and it took a long time to calm her down. She's now calm and in reality and wants to cut sis out of her will which is sort of understandable given the upset but a massive decision she'll have to think about. If that's possible. That's one of the tragedies here, at times she's herself and as sharp as a tack and at times she's in another world and convinced it's real to the point of aggression and an hour later she can't remember what she's said or done, sometimes she's somewhere in between and this happens multiple times a day.

Seems like so many of us go through this with loved ones.

If only life could be like it is on TV, the nice TV that is. Unfortunately real life is often a bit difficult.
 
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Alan..I've been following this thread and needless to say have much empathy. Pretty well all aspects have been covered bar one. An important one considering the position you find yourself in regarding your sisters and what you've related in your last post regarding your mother's comments in relation to her will. Do you have power of attorney for your mum ? I see that,at times, your mum is of sound mind. The reason I mention this is as follows:

If a person diagnosed with dementia has no power of attorney and they've already lost mental capacity, it will not be possible to make one. Instead, it will be necessary to apply to the Court of Protection for a Deputyship Order and best through a solicitor as it's complicated, expensive and sometimes intrusive.

Here's a comprehensive overview by Dementia UK

www.dementiauk.org

Lasting power of attorney

A lasting power of attorney (LPA) is a legal document appointing one, or more, trusted people to be someone living with dementia’s attorney.
www.dementiauk.org www.dementiauk.org
 
Ah, John, I never thought of that so thanks for that. At the mo I do everything for her but there's no legal agreement, it's just I do it so that is something to think about.

Other than that. I had a hospital appointment today about my foot and my other sister came to sit with mam while I was out and everything went smoothly. I've had two days now with relative peace and normality and it's helped immensely. It's a shame that me and one sis have fallen out with the other but with the hassle and upset she and her daughter have caused I just don't see any immediate way back and I'm not going to try as even putting a plastic storage box she'd demanded she get back outside her door and ringing the bell caused me stress and anxiety and I just don't have the strength to deal with her now.

I tend to bounce back quickly and I'm feeling much better in myself with no feelings of stress or anxiety but I do know how fast things can all spiral so I'm going to talk to someone about coping with the situation. Now that I have the promise of some help from one sister I feel much better and I think with some advice on coping I'll be fine.

Thanks all. It's been very helpful and interesting to know that in this relatively small group of us here there are so many who've experienced this.
 
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