The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Gremlin

*looks down* Yep, I'm a girl!
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Ingrid
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
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Kevin
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A young man strides into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms.

The pharmacist replies: “They come in packs of three, nine, or 12. Which would you like?”

“Well,” the young man begins confidently, “I’ve been seeing this girl and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going away for the weekend. Once she has seen what I’m like in the sack, I reckon she’ll want me all the time. So you’d better give me a packet of 12.”


The pharmacist hands over the condoms, and the young man leaves, all puffed up and proud.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. Before they begin, however, he suddenly asks if they can say grace.

The family agrees, but is taken aback when the young man continues praying silently for several minutes,…

Once the grace has finished. Eventually, his girlfriend leans over and whispers, “You never told me you were so religious.”

The young man leans back and whispered...


“You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
 
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Graham
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ken
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A young man strides into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms.

The pharmacist replies: “They come in packs of three, nine, or 12. Which would you like?”

“Well,” the young man begins confidently, “I’ve been seeing this girl and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going away for the weekend. Once she has seen what I’m like in the sack, I reckon she’ll want me all the time. So you’d better give me a packet of 12.”


The pharmacist hands over the condoms, and the young man leaves, all puffed up and proud.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. Before they begin, however, he suddenly asks if they can say grace.

The family agrees, but is taken aback when the young man continues praying silently for several minutes,…

Once the grace has finished. Eventually, his girlfriend leans over and whispers, “You never told me you were so religious.”

The young man leans back and whispered...


“You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
There is a true story (according to Tim Brooke Taylor) of a friend being fixed up with a blind date, and fancying his chances nipped into the chemist for a packet of condoms.
When they were introduced to each other, they realised they had met before
She had sold him the condoms

Another true story of an embarassing moment occurred at the Brighton Metropole Hotel in the 80's when the country was on high alert due to the IRA plot to assassinate Margaret Thatcher. Police checked all cars in the hotel car park and accounted for all but one. So they contacted the owner, only to be told by his wife that he was fishing with friends in Dorset. Just then the errant husband and his girfriend returned
"He'll be entering another sensitive area when he gets home" was commented
 
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