The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
 
Last edited:
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
 
Last edited:
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
 
Last edited:
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
 
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
 
G.K.Jnr. said:
Click to expand...

We as a company actually use Pyro's as part of our work, and I know someone that actually did that.
Its not only the American's that can screw up that badly :D

(To be fair, he actually only broke two fingers and a thumb but also tore his hand open into the bargain! )
 
Since we've started that theme.....

1563216914659.png

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.


A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

1563217157079.png
 
Took a while to find this.


Her side of the story

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been my fault, because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow-going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate, so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the Hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me?

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint watching TV, while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then, after about ten minutes, he joined me in bed. We had some great foreplay, and then we had sex.

I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared such an intimate experience, but he still seemed really distracted. This upset me so much that I just wanted to leave, but instead, I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was!

I don't know; I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???



His side of the story

Played badly today. Shot 83. Can't putt. Felt kinda tired. Got laid, though.
 
Ted 69 - the return of the gang...
 
Cobra said:
We as a company actually use Pyro's as part of our work, and I know someone that actually did that.
Its not only the American's that can screw up that badly :D

(To be fair, he actually only broke two fingers and a thumb but also tore his hand open into the bargain! )
Click to expand...
"I still have all my fingers, and I don't speak in a high-pitched voice... and that's the sign of a good blaster!". Derek 'Blaster' Bates; a local lad. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blaster_Bates
 
Last edited:
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
 
Last edited:
Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."
 
Last edited:
66524197_10220061117905139_9184280644685922304_n.jpg
 
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.
I was keeping the umbrella.
 
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top