- Messages
- 2,028
- Name
- Graeme
- Edit My Images
- No
#me too
and help to keep the site free for all
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
Nod
Tootles
- Messages
- 45,619
- Name
- Nod (UK)
- Edit My Images
- Yes
"Dear Cheryl, please find enclosed my application for the post of father to your future child. Unfortunately my religious belief doesn't allow artificial methods so it'll have to be the old fashioned method. Apparently, 3 times a day (after meals) is the best dosage but we may have to pace ourselves to once a day (if that!)"
(Do you think I should mention my vasectomy?)
(Do you think I should mention my vasectomy?)
- Messages
- 1,251
- Name
- Andrew
- Edit My Images
- No
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the f*** have you been?" Screamed my wife.
I said,"I've been playing Poker with some blokes.
"Playing Poker with some blokes?" She repeated,"Well you can pack your bags and go."
"So can you,"I replied."This isn't our house anymore."
"Where the f*** have you been?" Screamed my wife.
I said,"I've been playing Poker with some blokes.
"Playing Poker with some blokes?" She repeated,"Well you can pack your bags and go."
"So can you,"I replied."This isn't our house anymore."
- Messages
- 8,016
- Name
- Bazza
- Edit My Images
- Yes
The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this
time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know
how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't You know
what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate
for 5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy
the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an
invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the
Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this
time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know
how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't You know
what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate
for 5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy
the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an
invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the
Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
- Messages
- 2,921
- Name
- Chris
- Edit My Images
- Yes
- Messages
- 2,921
- Name
- Chris
- Edit My Images
- Yes
