The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Doc

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John
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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
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.
.
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.
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"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a freakin Chihuahua ?!"
 

Doc

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John
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A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.

He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
 

Nod

Krispy and Kremey
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Nod (NOT Ethel!!!)
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Why is he making a face like he's fellating a tiny todger?
 
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Graham
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Nod

Krispy and Kremey
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Apparently the German expression for hoarding is "Hamsterkauf". @Server Hamster !
 

Nod

Krispy and Kremey
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Not so much Tyrannosaurus Rex as Tyrannosaurus Felix!


IMG-20200330-WA0001[3130].jpg
 
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Tim
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A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.

They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to buy it, along with with a wide array of farm animals. A few months later, when they are settled in, they decide to invite the local vicar and his wife around for Sunday lunch in an effort to get to know their neighbours.

Before the meal, John, Sarah, the vicar and his wife were sitting around the kitchen table talking, when the door suddenly flew open and in rushed Jimmy shouting "mum, dad, the bull is f**cking the cow!" John and Sarah were horrified and embarrassed that their guests should hear such coarse language. They both apologised profusely to the vicar and his wife and asked if lunch could be postponed to the following Sunday.

Meanwhile, John and Sarah took Jimmy to one side and said, "Jimmy, it would have been so much better if you had told us that the bull was 'surprising' the cow instead of using the word you did".

Next Sunday, just as before, the couple, as well as the vicar and his wife were sitting chatting before lunch, when again the door burst suddenly open and in rushed Jimmy breathlessly announcing "mum, dad, the bull is surprising all the cows", "He can't be surprising all the cows" said his mother, "He is mum" said Jimmy," He's f**cking the horse!".
 

Nod

Krispy and Kremey
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They should get (self) glorified test bed drivers to do that - they seem to be world experts on everything...
 
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