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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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ancient_mariner
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It's an old saw that DA is not bright, and nothing to do with race or sex. A bit like calling BJ a liar or Corbyn a lefty.
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A man finds himself repairing a fence in front of his house. The fence is old and rickety, and he has to replace a number of the sections.Come on ... after recent events?
Anyway, fixed that for you
He digs a plank out, and places a new one in the same hole, but his wife comes out and tells him,
“I’ve always wanted the fence to be a little closer to the sidewalk. The neighbors' kids always leave their things in our yard.”
The husband dutifully uproots the fence and moves it bit by bit to the edge of the property line.
Just as he is about to finish, his wife comes out to the yard again and says,
“Honey, I was thinking about it, and decided that we should probably move the fence further back. The neighbors' kids are frustrating, but they should have a friendly neighborhood to grow up in.”
The husband sighs deeply, but loves his wife, and enjoys the work. He spends another three hours moving the fence back to where it once was.
As he’s finishing up a man from a house across the road walks by and asks
“I’ve been watching you do this all day, why do you put up with this horribly repetitive nonsense? You could just leave and go do something you enjoy? ”
The man shrugs and tells him “Well, I guess I’m just the kind of person who likes reposting.”
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A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
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I kind of see what that house owner is trying to achieve and will potentially find out to their cost that the gate will have to be removed!
PS the covenants likely state no fences or structure on the boundary above 1.4M high.
PPS but that depends on either the Council noticing or being notified! We would like to replace an old hedge with a minimum 5.5ft high fence on the boundary and we cannot do so as it says the limit in the deeds
ancient_mariner
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badlywornroy
I am not macho
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My very first pure bread dog.
He just loafs around all day.
Maybe he has a yeast infection ?
I have no dough left to take him to the vets.
At first I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but he's so kneady.
I cannot get him to rise in the morning.
If he doesn't smarten up . . . . . he's toast !
p.s Please don't tell my wife where her loaf went.
He just loafs around all day.
Maybe he has a yeast infection ?
I have no dough left to take him to the vets.
At first I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but he's so kneady.
I cannot get him to rise in the morning.
If he doesn't smarten up . . . . . he's toast !
p.s Please don't tell my wife where her loaf went.
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ancient_mariner
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Or else you'll be toast!
