The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Contagion.
Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory.
Something wicked this way comes.
Backdraft.
 
"I fart in your general direction." OK,I know it's not a film title, I just wanted to say it :banana:
 
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope" replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"

Again Jimmy says "Nope".

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No" said Jimmy. "I went into mum and dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me".

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily...

"What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch" Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said ...

"Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet".
icon_lol.gif
 
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
 
Donald and Linda met while on a singles cruise and Donald fell head over heels for her. 

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, he was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. 

Within a couple of weeks, Donald had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. 

Donald became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

 Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Donald took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Donald said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to
 warn you. I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch
 golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you should say so now!"



Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Donald, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker".

Donald said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball"
 
Steve was out for a round of golf with his new boss, Andrew.

Ahead of them was a pair of Ladies whose play was rather slow. Steve suggested that he walked up at the next tee and asked if they could play through. Andrew agreed and at the next hole he walked from the fairway towards the next tee. However half way across he stopped looked worried and came back.

When he got back Andrew asked him what the matter was. "Well it's a bit unusual; it's my wife and to make things awkward she is playing with my mistress!"

Andrew is very sympathetic and offers to walk across at the next hole. They play on companionably and when the ladies putt their balls on the green Andrew walks towards them. He too looks somewhat puzzled and turns round. Steve asks him what the matter is.

Andrew replies "Snap!" Steve "Do you mean....?" Andrew: "Yes, it's MY wife playing with MY mistress"!
 
Dear People who type in all lower-case,

We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping you uncle jack off a horse.

Yours sincerely,

Capital Letters.
 
The Tories make me want to join Labour. Labour makes me want to join the Lib Dems. The Lib Dems make me want to join Dignitas. What a world.
-----------
Hugo Rifkind
 
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