The personal cost of Covid-19

Jelster

Jelster

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Steve
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Please do not make this a political thread

As some here may be aware, I lost my sister to Covid on Easter Monday. Today we informed that her husband also fell foul to it in his sleep last night.

Yesterday we finally got confirmation that CV19 was the cause of death; that's well over a week, but the delays are down to just so many people dying, and of course, staff self isolating reducing the number of people available to deal with the crisis.

Now, heres the real kick in the nuts....

My Sister has 2 daughters & 3 grandchildren, the youngest of who are 18. We are limited to how many can be at the funeral, which means myself and my brother will not be able to go. My other sister was quite close to her so she & her husband will be there.

We cannot dress her for the funeral, she will just be robed in a cotton material similar to the lining of the coffin.

She can't have the wicker casket that she always wanted

As we won't be there, my brother, myself, and brother-in-law cannot help carry the coffin, which is a tradition in our family

In a way I'm glad I won't be there as I won't be able to hug my sister, brother or her two daughters (that will really hurt)

We haven't even thought about her husband yet.

While everybody is up in arms blaming everybody and pointing fingers, there is a real human emotional cost to this.

What scares me even more is that as the youngest sibling at 58, (my brother is 72, my other sister is 70) it's driven home that I may have to attend another two funerals in the next 15-20 years, something I'm not emotionally fit to do if this one is anything to go by.

I'm quickly coming to the assumption we should all enjoy life while we can and stop worrying about what anybody else thinks about you. It's true, life is short.....
 
Sorry to hear of your further loss, Steve.

Having lost too many friends far too young (motorcycle incidents in the main but also a few to illness), I've always lived for the day and shortly after my Father died with way too many unfulfilled plans, I had the first 2 words from a poem by Horace tattooed on my "memorial" arm - "Carpe Diem". The translation from Wiki is as good as any so I've nicked it!

Ask not ('tis forbidden knowledge), what our destined term of years,
Mine and yours; nor scan the tables of your Babylonish seers.
Better far to bear the future, my Leuconoe, like the past,
Whether Jove has many winters yet to give, or this our last;
This, that makes the Tyrrhene billows spend their strength against the shore.
Strain your wine and prove your wisdom; life is short; should hope be more?
In the moment of our talking, envious time has ebb'd away.
Seize the present; trust tomorrow e'en as little as you may.


ETA... Rereading this post reminds me that the final stanza of the original is part of my signature!
 
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Sorry for your losses.
I can't imagine what it must be like not being able to attend.
 
Really sorry for your loss Steve. It a horrid situation and something no family should ever have to go through. Not really any more words I can add.

*sends virtual hug*
 
That's truly awful :(

I can't imagine the pain you feel at not being able to say 'goodbye' properly
 
I am so sorry for you.
I attended my sister's funeral in November, so I know how much this will hurt you.
I hope you find a way to grieve, which is proving difficult in these challenging times.
 
So sorry Steve to hear of another loss for you and your family.
I wasn't able to pay my last respects to my father when he died, my mum felt it wasn't something she should allow a 10 year old to attend.
I have carried the burden of not being able to attend with me for over 50 years, would it be possible for the relatives that do attend to either video record the funeral so you can watch it later or perhaps use one of the new apps that would transmit the day's events to you live.
It may be that you don't want/need to see the actual event and everyone needs to do what they need to do without any judgement from others, so my suggestion above may not be practical for you but I thought I'd mention how I have felt all these years just so you may evaluate if it's what you want to do.
 
MatBin said:
So sorry Steve to hear of another loss for you and your family.
I wasn't able to pay my last respects to my father when he died, my mum felt it wasn't something she should allow a 10 year old to attend.
I have carried the burden of not being able to attend with me for over 50 years, would it be possible for the relatives that do attend to either video record the funeral so you can watch it later or perhaps use one of the new apps that would transmit the day's events to you live.
It may be that you don't want/need to see the actual event and everyone needs to do what they need to do without any judgement from others, so my suggestion above may not be practical for you but I thought I'd mention how I have felt all these years just so you may evaluate if it's what you want to do.
Click to expand...

Matt, my Mum died when I was 25, she was in hospital. My wife and I were meant to see her on Saturday morning, but decided to leave it until the afternoon, and she died at lunchtime. I have spent the rest of my life regretting that decision, I felt I let her down. I think that's what screwed with my emotions originally. I can be a tough SOB, but some things can easily bring me to tears.....
 
Oh, so sad that tragedy has struck your family again.

My condolences to you and your extended family.

All the best to you & yours at this most sorrowful of times.
 
Sorry to here your further bad news.
My condolences to you and your family at this sad time.
 
Deepest condolences at this time to you and yours.

A friend and ex colleague passed a few days ago, his wife the day before, both covid19 victims, I’m told the wake will be whenever we can, as an ex pit gaffer there will be quite a turn out, hoping there will be no more to add to the list.
 
Really sorry to hear of your further loss Steve, and also that you can't be at the funeral. The death of those you love is a complete bugger.
 
It's heartbreaking, several of my friends have been put in similar situations. Really sorry to hear this :(
 
I'm so sorry to read this Steve. It's a s*** you can't be at the funeral.

One of my friends also succumbed to this horrible disease a couple of weeks ago. His funeral is much as you describe. Its utterly soul destroying and I expect attending his funeral via Zoom will be possibly the most surreal experience of my life.
 
I've been struggling to work out what to say Steve.
What an awful time for you, we can't imagine how you and your family are feeling or coping.

Like so many, we have been struggling with life threatening illness over the last few months, and have inevitable loss facing us soon. It's a heavy load.
Your last line says it all.
Life is short and precious. We need to enjoy each day and everyone around us.
Take care.
I'm still struggling with words here as is obvious, I hope the sentiment comes across as intended.
 
All of your words are so kind.

I think, dealing with the funeral restrictions is just something I couldn't deal with right now. It may sound strange, but I need to hold those who I love, I couldn't be there and face not wrapping my arms around both of my nieces and my siblings.

This is a terrible disease, and I want to hammer home how important self isolation and social distancing is. It's just not worth breaking the rules.
 
Pressing the 'like' button doesn't seem appropriate.
Your last paragraph needs to be read and adhered to by everyone.
 
Jelster said:
Please do not make this a political thread

As some here may be aware, I lost my sister to Covid on Easter Monday. Today we informed that her husband also fell foul to it in his sleep last night.

Yesterday we finally got confirmation that CV19 was the cause of death; that's well over a week, but the delays are down to just so many people dying, and of course, staff self isolating reducing the number of people available to deal with the crisis.

Now, heres the real kick in the nuts....

My Sister has 2 daughters & 3 grandchildren, the youngest of who are 18. We are limited to how many can be at the funeral, which means myself and my brother will not be able to go. My other sister was quite close to her so she & her husband will be there.

We cannot dress her for the funeral, she will just be robed in a cotton material similar to the lining of the coffin.

She can't have the wicker casket that she always wanted

As we won't be there, my brother, myself, and brother-in-law cannot help carry the coffin, which is a tradition in our family

In a way I'm glad I won't be there as I won't be able to hug my sister, brother or her two daughters (that will really hurt)

We haven't even thought about her husband yet.

While everybody is up in arms blaming everybody and pointing fingers, there is a real human emotional cost to this.

What scares me even more is that as the youngest sibling at 58, (my brother is 72, my other sister is 70) it's driven home that I may have to attend another two funerals in the next 15-20 years, something I'm not emotionally fit to do if this one is anything to go by.

I'm quickly coming to the assumption we should all enjoy life while we can and stop worrying about what anybody else thinks about you. It's true, life is short.....
Click to expand...

Steve,

We have never met and we probably never will, but we have all suffered the loss of loved ones and therefore we all understand what you are going through emotionally. When my father passed over, many years ago now, it was the most painful experience of my life. To suffer two such losses in such a short time must be devastating and my thoughts are with you as are those of many others on this forum.

When I hear or read of a terrible loss such as you have suffered I think of the last few lines of John Donne's poem For Whom the Bell Tolls

Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
 
Sorry to hear of your loss mate, and the sad fact you can't attend their funerals.

Over the last 30 years I've seen my Dad, Big brother and then my Mum to their graves. Not one day goes past that one or all pop into my mind. I too missed my Mums passing by minutes, but you shouldn't feel guilty or kick yourself over that. Sadly that's just how it goes and sometimes it's a raw deal.

When this is all over or at least managed give all your family a huge hug, I have no one left to do that with now but I think about my family a lot.

You cannot think that they would feel you let them down,, it's what you do in life that matters not in death. Remember too it's okay for a bloke to cry, even if in private.
 
Condolences to you Steve. and for the children/grandchildren

Have you considered a kurbside fairwell? We had a funeral from our street last week, they had arrange for some sort of service - i use the term loosely as it was too far down for me to see details but the hearse arrived at the house and a number of family groups assembled spread well apart and there was some sort of sermon and music. A number of people from the street stood in their front gardens and there was even passing cars on the main road stop of their own accord for the duration. Im not sure of the ethics but as its not inside in a church or Crematorium and it was well disciplined so cant see many raising issue with it
 
AgentOrange76 said:
Condolences to you Steve. and for the children/grandchildren

Have you considered a kurbside fairwell? We had a funeral from our street last week, they had arrange for some sort of service - i use the term loosely as it was too far down for me to see details but the hearse arrived at the house and a number of family groups assembled spread well apart and there was some sort of sermon and music. A number of people from the street stood in their front gardens and there was even passing cars on the main road stop of their own accord for the duration. Im not sure of the ethics but as its not inside in a church or Crematorium and it was well disciplined so cant see many raising issue with it
Click to expand...

My personal problem is that I still won't be able to hug other members of my family, my brother is 72, my other sister will be 70 in a couple of weeks, and they have both been isolating with their partners. One of my sister's daughters is recovering from cancer so is also isolating. It's the personal stuff for me, I get very emotional at weddings & funerals. The Kerbside Farewell is a good thought though, I'll mention it to my Niece who is organising the service.
 
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