Sorry if i upset/depressed anyone with my post yesterday... I kind of had to leave things half said because some of the bits I went into were just completely raw.
I would like to say to everyone who's wished me well, either in this thread or in PM's etc, that I'm not half as depressed and miserable as that post sounds.
I went through the classic stages of post-near-death stuff... started with complete euphoria that i'd "dodged the bullet", then a feeling of "invincibility" in that "if that fecker didn't get me, nothing will" and (obviously) the backlash from those states - complete and total panic every time I got the slightest pain anywhere in my upper torso or arms, and of course the worries and depressive thoughts that came with basically losing my freelance business of 15 years because the key repeat clients I had were slightly (and sensibly I may add, with my dispassionate businessmans hat on) wary of using a one man band consultancy for mission/business critical projects when the one man had just died/been resurrected/was held together with bits of stainless steel mesh...
Yeah, I was down... in 3 years, I'd lost my Dad (sole remaining family member, i've no kids, Mam died 5 years previously - took me ages to think of someone to nominate as next of kin...), Been hospitalised with Pneumonia, had Pericarditis (which BTW hurt a s***load more than having a heart attack, and lasted a couple of days at its worst, despite IV antibiotics), Had Costochondritis (best thought of as the same joint pain as Gout, only in the joints at the ends of the ribs, sternum and spine - that's a bundle of laugh's I can dell you. It's also REALLY good at disgusing the pain of Angina - which would have been an early warning and avoided me having the heart episode...). Then I had the little scare with the heart, and came out of hospital and lost my business. So I spent nearly a year, basically in rehab for the injuries/illnesses and getting a little therapy for the trauma.
Eventually I felt up to getting back into "real life" - and I needed to - Bank balance was at a lowish ebb... Ended up where I am now, strangely enough, working for the good old NHS... I reckoned that I'd probably need to do a couple of years in a slightly lower stress and lower profile job than I was doing before I went freelance, and, If I was going to have to work for peanuts, i'd like to do it for somewhere that would at least make a difference.
Two more years on, and I'm reasonably fit and well - haven't had any real issues physically or mentally, the company I work for are happy with me, I'm happy with the job, but sad that I'm gonna have to move on soon as the wages don't quite cover the bills.
I'm pretty well adjusted again I think - but, photography wise, I think that I've just done all the exploring of that slightly dark place that most of my still life stuff came from - I'd get into food photography, but to be honest, I'm also on a diet, and If I made appetising looking food to photograph i'd just pig out and ruin the diet. I haven't got rid of the camera kit because I really want to get back into it, but probably more in the original subjects that gave me the love of shooting - out in the hills and shooting landscapes. But - combining a love of cycling and photography means that weekends are somewhat time-crunched, and I've pretty much deliberately hung fire with the photography to ensure that I get the maximum time on the bike, getting fitter, and hopefully ensuring i'll be around for longer.
One thing I've learned from all of the crap i've been through is this - in the words of Ferris Bueller - "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
So, I do things I want to do, on my own time-schedules - I massively resent anything that interferes with my free-time - I really appreciate the weekends now, and understand how lucky I was to be able to take a 3 hour lunch break when I worked for myself, just because the sun was shining and I wanted a bike ride - and most of all, I really understand that phrase my Dad used to say to me... "Every Day Above Ground Is a Good Day".... now, he was a miner, so it probably meant something different to him until he retired, but for me... well, I guess you know what it means to me...