The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Not the server hamster - Cobra's fattening her up for his winterval amuse bouche...
 
AHILL said:
Without indicating.
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And smashing other people’s wing mirrors, as happened to me:(. Though actually it was head on in a narrow bend with only room for one car, he was going too fast (surprise) and he forced me onto the pavement. When he stopped he said “you were on my side of the road” (classic). But actually he was on the wrong side (due to only my side being clear of parked cars) and when I pointed out he had forced me onto the pavement he said “shall we call it quits then”. Actually I was quite pleased because I got a stick on mirror to cover my fractured glass whereas I expect a new BMW mirror costs :).
 
sphexx said:
And smashing other people’s wing mirrors, as happened to me:(. Though actually it was head on in a narrow bend with only room for one car, he was going too fast (surprise) and he forced me onto the pavement. When he stopped he said “you were on my side of the road” (classic). But actually he was on the wrong side (due to only my side being clear of parked cars) and when I pointed out he had forced me onto the pavement he said “shall we call it quits then”. Actually I was quite pleased because I got a stick on mirror to cover my fractured glass whereas I expect a new BMW mirror costs :).
Click to expand...

Surely one of those situations where a dashcam is worthwhile.........telling sure, "quits, I will give a copy of the video showing your good driving to the traffic police....."
 
I was suddenly getting no female attention so I went to see a Chinese sex therapist.

He told me to undress, get on all fours and crawl to the corner of the room. He then told me to crawl back again.

"Ah yes," he said, "I see probrem. You have ed zachary syndrome.

"What on earth is that?" I asked.

"It is when your face rook ed zachary rike your ass."
 
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
 
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Cartus said:
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Click to expand...

Please can you explain the ‘walks into a bar’ phrase
 
nc_killie said:
Please can you explain the ‘walks into a bar’ phrase
Click to expand...
:thinking: What is there to explain?

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
 
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