The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

welshwizard645 said:
A pirate goes to see the ships doctor..."arrrr Doctor arrrr I got 10 of these spots on me old back could ye take a look"....

Dr has a look and says " Don't panic they're benign" to which the pirate retorts " No Doc there be ten arrr".
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It’s all about the arrr number? :exit:
 
welshwizard645 said:
A pirate goes to see the ships doctor..."arrrr Doctor arrrr I got 10 of these spots on me old back could ye take a look"....

Dr has a look and says " Don't panic they're benign" to which the pirate retorts " No Doc there be ten arrr".
Click to expand...


Should have posted that on 19th September!
 
sphexx said:
Is that you and a TP member surrogate?
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Being that Santa doesn't have a norty list this year (According to Tesco) I've started my own (y)
 
Can someone help me out please? I know Henry VIII had 6 wives. There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr, but for the life of me I can’t remember the surname of Jane.....See more
 
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Advice needed!
My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic.
So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?
 
carper said:
Advice needed!
My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic.
So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?
Click to expand...
The cellar?
 
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’
 
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