Concept Project… Death

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Kodiak Qc

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French Canadian living in Europe since 1989!
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This concept was accepted… but corrections are required.

I was told to rework and correct the text which I tried my best
to do… Since most of you have English as first language and
many have higher education, I though to ask you how you see
this text could be improved.

Thank you in advance. :cool:


Just%20Before%E2%80%A6death.jpg



​
 
It doesn't make sense to me Kodiak, and without knowing what you're trying to say, it's difficult to correct.

Reading between the lines (and not the actual lines) I'm guessing the idea is to say "before someone dies, remember to tell them you love them" and if that's the case, I just wouldn't use these words at all because they come across as quite chilling & depressing. "they all gave up" and "the last chill felt" are not compassionate/caring phrases

"Just before" implies doing something before time runs out, but "too late" implies you didn't manage it.

Also look at your use of three dots because that looks clunky to me.

Very difficult to correct as you're likely to get a different response from each forum member. Something like this is very "individual" in terms of how people would phrase it. Perhaps if you explained what it's for, and why you chose the words as well as why/what corrections are required we might be able to help. If it's about death, there are also the cultural differences to think of (English vs Canadian)
 
•

I'm heading for my most difficult post yet on TP because it has to do
with language and not image… ok, let's go!

Harlequin565 said:
Reading between the lines (and not the actual lines) I'm guessing the idea is to say "before someone dies, remember to tell them you love them"
Click to expand...
Not really. I mean it is too late at that moment, it should have been said long before
Harlequin565 said:
these words at all because they come across as quite chilling & depressing. "they all gave up" and "the last chill felt" are not compassionate/caring phrases
Click to expand...
Yes and no.
YES… because there is no way back
NO… they is for the medical team, they tried everything they could but
the fatality is there
Harlequin565 said:
"Just before" implies doing something before time runs out, but "too late" implies you didn't manage it.
Click to expand...
Correct and correct.
It is too late to consider the cab option when facing an unescapable
accident driving home from the pub.
 
Kodiak Qc said:
•

I'm heading for my most difficult post yet on TP because it has to do
with language and not image… ok, let's go!

they is for the medical team, they tried everything they could but
the fatality is there
Click to expand...

Then perhaps if I may suggest the wording should reflect they tried,
"they all gave up"
sounds as if they didnt care and I'm sure that isnt what you meant to say, perhaps
"they tried all they could but could try no more"
I'm no poet of course.
 
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It is satisfying to observe the reactions in French where the message
is well understood and moving.

MatBin said:
"they all gave up"
Click to expand...
Someone suggested capitulate or surrender.


When I was a student, I was working in the emergency dept. of the hospital.
I was there because of my physical strength needed when people could not
move by themselves or when bikers had accidents… or fights.

When you witness the arrival of a cardiac arrest and see the efforts in resto-
ring the heart fonction… in this situation, they really tried everything and may
be had to give up.
MatBin said:
'm no poet of course.
Click to expand...
And I no English native speaker for sure!

Thanks Matt! :cool:
 
Hi

You could swap 'It is too late' to 'Don't let it be too late', it would sort out the past/present/future tense issue.

The tale of them giving up is in past tense ('gave' up) and the 'it is too late' line is present.

Or, write it all in present tense:

They all give up and
turn away
switch off the lights
and close the door etc etc.

I like it though.
 
Last edited:
Forkbeard said:
'It is too late' to 'Don't let it be too late'
Click to expand...

I understand what you mean, Jim. The message though, is more
that at this very ultimate moment, it IS already waaaay too late!
The "I love you's" are part of life… not of death, I think.
 
Kodiak Qc said:
•

This concept was accepted… but corrections are required.

I was told to rework and correct the text which I tried my best
to do… Since most of you have English as first language and
many have higher education, I though to ask you how you see
this text could be improved.

Thank you in advance. :cool:


Just%20Before%E2%80%A6death.jpg



​
Click to expand...

Just berfore

They all give up
and walk away
switch off the light
and close the door

Just before time runs out

just before...
the last breath
just before...
the last chill

Just before eternity.

Don't let it be too late to say

'I LOVE YOU'.
 
Last edited:
•

Thanks for that, Jim! :cool:
 
I hope you don't mind me rewriting it.

Great image by the way. Lovely light.
 
Forkbeard said:
They all give up
and walk away
switch off the light
and close the door

Just before time runs out

just before...
the last breath
just before...
the last chill

Just before eternity.

Don't let it be too late to say

'I LOVE YOU'.
Click to expand...

This explains things much much better (and it's better than anything I could come up with!)
 
Forkbeard

What do you suggest for the "birth" one, Jim?
 
I'll have a look and post on it. I didn't realize there was one til you mentioned It!
 
You're saying that it's already way too late, but your title text is "Just Before".

That doesn't make sense.
 
A difficult one but perhaps by changing the lines around to something like

They switched off the light
As they turned away
Closing the door
They did what they could

Just before time runs out

Just before

just before the last breath
just before the last sigh
and just before eternity

the second part is much harder to rework but by switching the lines in the first half I think you get flow and a soft approach unless it was hard hitting you were after

something different as to think about is life being like a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs and the ride coming to an end, but guess thats not what you are after

John

also meant to say does the timer not need to have the last strands of sand falling rather than 2/3rds full just a thought
 
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skiwhiz said:
perhaps by changing the lines around to something like
Click to expand...

Cool ideas in there, John… I'll have something to work with. (y)(y)(y):cool:

This is waaaaay more constructive than: "That doesn't make sense".

Thanks, appreciated!
 
Last edited:
Bollygum said:
Seems clear enough in Australian.
Click to expand...


The originals of both were well accepted in most English speaking
countries with very minor adjustments… down under too! For some
reasons, Europe is different. Thanks for your comment Steve! :cool:
 
Just before time ran out

They gave up and turned away
Switched off the lights
Closed the door

Just before the last breath
As the last was chill felt

Just before eternity

It is too late
To remember to say

"I love you"
 
Last edited:
I re-read the original over a few days and spart from changing

‘The last taken breath’

to

‘The last beeath taken’

It is quite a poignant piece of prose.

Steve
 
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