Divorce

Raincloud

Raincloud

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Anyone here gone through divorce?

Just come through it myself.

Going to be on my own soon. 30 plus years together. 1 child. Gutted.
 
Yup, 12 years ago. We were together for about 12 years. 2 kids who are happy and ok.

Lived on my own ever since. Don’t regret ending the relationship. We were very different people by the end.

I do miss going out on a date or being romantic etc. - I have been in a relationship since the divorce but that was long distance and ended a couple of years ago.

I really need to get out more ;).

It probably sucks right now but you’ll get passed that. I’m guessing your child is grown up so they will almost certainly be ok. If they are still young then the best advice I can give is don’t bad mouth your ex to them and spend as much time with them as you can
 
Raincloud said:
Anyone here gone through divorce?

Just come through it myself.

Going to be on my own soon. 30 plus years together. 1 child. Gutted.
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Yep, been there done that many years ago. :(

Not a pleasant experience, especially where (young) kids are involved, but as you say, you've come through it & it's important to make a new life for yourself & don't dwell on it. (y)
 
Raincloud said:
My child is nearly 12.

Currently looking for somewhere to live. Really difficult.
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It is definitely a difficult & stressful time, reckoned only to be 2nd behind bereavement, but things will improve slowly, you must make a conscious effort & push yourself to get out & socialise,...... or spend more of your free time getting out with you camera, ........... or join a club, or......

I feel your pain, but you will start to feel differently soon.

Best wishes. (y)
 
Raincloud said:
My child is nearly 12.

Currently looking for somewhere to live. Really difficult.
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Be there for them, make sure they know it’s not their fault.

Try not to out do your ex when it comes to your child

Kids are tougher than they look, 2 sets of presents won’t hurt [emoji6]
 
I have always lived by and advised friends the same ,to go with one door shuts and another opens , you might be feeling down in the dumps now but as soon as the next partner comes along you’ll feel great again .the only advise I can really give after 3 big D,s myself is don’t drink to much as it makes you depressed
 
boogie man said:
Been divorced twice. Neither was a pleasant experience but I’m married to an amazing woman now so I guess it was worth all the stress and aggro.
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Same here, wouldn't change a thing though, the good times were very good, the bad times were very bad, what I have now more than makes up for the bad times.
 
It does get better - much better in my case.

As you have a 12 year old, I want to repeat two things said above.

Never bad-mouth your ex to your child or in their hearing. Your relationship failed, not their's. But listen if they want to talk about the other parent - nicely and politely.

Do not compete with your ex for the child's affections. Children have plenty to go round.
 
Yea, I don't bad mouth her. Our child is the most important part of us. We both love her massively and will share her equally. She can stay with either of us at any time.

Problem I have is accommodation. Trying to find somewhere to live. It's so hard. Got money to buy a place but can't find anything at the mo. Ex has found somewhere.
 
Raincloud said:
Yea, I don't bad mouth her. Our child is the most important part of us. We both love her massively and will share her equally. She can stay with either of us at any time.

Problem I have is accommodation. Trying to find somewhere to live. It's so hard. Got money to buy a place but can't find anything at the mo. Ex has found somewhere.
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If you wait a while you may qualify as a 1st time buyer.
Matt
 
I got divorced 18 years ago and without the single most difficult thing I've had to do. When I decided that it was better for my son to have 2 separated parents who are happy instead of the typical stay together for the kids and either be arguing every day or ignoring one another for weeks at a time.

I found it more stressful and depressing in the first year of the separation than when I fought the big C. Sitting in my flat during the week and only seeing him for 24 hours each weekend was really hard. Luckily I decided to find something to occupy my mind during the week evenings and discovered photography as a result.

My advice would be to view at as a positive decision and the best option for all concerned. Even my son (now an adult) has said it was definitely the best option as both his parents are now very happy in other relationships and he had a happier up bringing as a result.
 
I’m no help with the accommodation issue, but I’ll reiterate these from above:
It gets easier, and my 2nd marriage is the happiest part of my life (my kids love my Mrs almost as much as me, and likewise my stepson and i)
Keep a civil relationship, divorce lawyers exist purely to make money from anger and animosity
Remember the kids come first
Work out sensible ways to celebrate Christmas etc, we have had a ‘family christmas’ on Boxing Day for years, we get a quiet adult Christmas followed by a very big and noisy one, everyone’s happy and there’s no added stress.
That said, last night I was at my sons birthday party as was his mum, and next year we have the first of our kids weddings, it’s not perfectly comfortable but nor is it hard work.
 
I’ve had 3 divorces but thankfully no kids were involved. Over the 3 I was probably in the region of £150k the poorer, but I managed to keep my pension, and most of all, sanity.
Things definitely get easier, and in my case at 50 I had my first child and we are now trying for another (We need IVF and had to have 4 rounds last time) we are looking to get married in 2019.

As you say you’ve just gone through it I guess you’ve experienced the outside influences that make things 1000 tomes more difficult than they need to be. I.e interfering friends and divorce lawyers, or vultures!
 
Phil V said:
Work out sensible ways to celebrate Christmas etc,
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When my daughter was 20-odd (after ex and I had been separated for several years) she had two full Christmas dinners on the same day as she didn't like to let either of us down - but did not mention it until I questioned her lack of enthusiasm for the Xmas pud.
 
john.margetts said:
When my daughter was 20-odd (after ex and I had been separated for several years) she had two full Christmas dinners on the same day as she didn't like to let either of us down - but did not mention it until I questioned her lack of enthusiasm for the Xmas pud.
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When we first got together, we had unsynchronised Christmas days, with kids coming and going, and no one got to enjoy any of it. So we decided that ‘giving up’ on Christmas Day, and just doing it all on Boxing Day would make it simple. When we first started it the kids genuinely believed Santa cane twice specially for them, and there’s some rituals they still insist on, and they’re in their 20’s now.
 
best thing i ever did...i bumped into her in a professional capacity a couple of years ago and was speaking to her for 10 minutes before recognising her and only after she spoke about our child...she was gutted i never remembered her...the worst part is ive got my present missus and my ex working in the same place now lets hope they dont sit next to each other in the canteen :p
 
54 years old now.

Luckily the ex and I have put our child first. We have both agreed 100% that she can stay with who ever she likes as long as she wants. So at least 50% of the time if not more.

As I said, biggest issue is finding a property. I can buy one outright but everything i have seen is naff. I want something that needs nothing doing, due to not great health. Toying with either a flat or a terrace. I want to keep some money back for my daughter if she decides to go to Uni.

I am working, part time, min wage. Reason? So that it does not conflict with ex wife's working arrangements.

Wife had survey back on her house she is buying today. All good.

Looking for a shop doorway now for myself!
 
Im just going through my divorce, luckily the kids are grown up now and have independent life styles so thats not a worry.
It was my decision to end it after 29 years of marriage, her alcohol consumption has got out of control and taking over everything we did. I have tried to explain what the problems are, several times but she is in denial that she has a problem, but i would consider 5 litres of vodka a week to be a problem.
To be fair she has cut it down to 3 litres a week now, but its too late.
She has had me arrested for threatening to shoot her, had armed response police at the house etc, etc, so its gone too far to be saved.
The house is sold and money split 50/50 i am buying a new house, a two bedroom semi-detached bungalow on a cul-de-sac and cant wait to move in and make it my own.
I have already planned out the spare bedroom and garage for small studio setups and to get some of my photos printed big, for wall hangers.
Divorce is something i should have done years ago instead of wasting years trying to save it.
A new year and a new start for me :)
 
bx338 said:
Im just going through my divorce, luckily the kids are grown up now and have independent life styles so thats not a worry.
It was my decision to end it after 29 years of marriage, her alcohol consumption has got out of control and taking over everything we did. I have tried to explain what the problems are, several times but she is in denial that she has a problem, but i would consider 5 litres of vodka a week to be a problem.
To be fair she has cut it down to 3 litres a week now, but its too late.
She has had me arrested for threatening to shoot her, had armed response police at the house etc, etc, so its gone too far to be saved.
The house is sold and money split 50/50 i am buying a new house, a two bedroom semi-detached bungalow on a cul-de-sac and cant wait to move in and make it my own.
I have already planned out the spare bedroom and garage for small studio setups and to get some of my photos printed big, for wall hangers.
Divorce is something i should have done years ago instead of wasting years trying to save it.
A new year and a new start for me :)
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Good luck to you my friend. Glad it's working out now.
 
Brendan Mulachy said:
best thing i ever did...i bumped into her in a professional capacity a couple of years ago and was speaking to her for 10 minutes before recognising her and only after she spoke about our child...she was gutted i never remembered her...the worst part is ive got my present missus and my ex working in the same place now lets hope they dont sit next to each other in the canteen :p
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Thats unbelievable! I would be having sleepless nights now if it were me...!
 
bx338 said:
Im just going through my divorce, luckily the kids are grown up now and have independent life styles so thats not a worry.
It was my decision to end it after 29 years of marriage, her alcohol consumption has got out of control and taking over everything we did. I have tried to explain what the problems are, several times but she is in denial that she has a problem, but i would consider 5 litres of vodka a week to be a problem.
To be fair she has cut it down to 3 litres a week now, but its too late.
She has had me arrested for threatening to shoot her, had armed response police at the house etc, etc, so its gone too far to be saved.
The house is sold and money split 50/50 i am buying a new house, a two bedroom semi-detached bungalow on a cul-de-sac and cant wait to move in and make it my own.
I have already planned out the spare bedroom and garage for small studio setups and to get some of my photos printed big, for wall hangers.
Divorce is something i should have done years ago instead of wasting years trying to save it.
A new year and a new start for me :)
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Reckon you made the right move. Apart from the high risk to her health with that sort of alcohol consumption there is also the risk of her accidentally setting the house on fire at some time. She will be a poor soul due to addiction (and in need of intensive long term professional help which is not guaranteed to be successful), but could easily drag down those around her.
 
Donnie said:
Nearly did it about 10 years ago and funnily enough I dragged her to couples counselling etc and it was the best thing we ever did.

Only 3 days until we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.
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I thought it was curtains 2 years ago, after 15 years together, horrible time but actually got us closer together and now much happier than we had been for years.

Anyway, to the OP, its easy to say but things do get better! This time last year I lost my job. Didn't tell the family so not to ruin Christmas, and luckily the payoff took me until end of April so no immediate panic. Took a job I hated in April to pay the way but now been in another job for the last 3 months and it is my dream job, so very happy. So actually, although tough a year ago, losing my job was probably the best thing to happen!
 
I found out my ex was a serial adulterer, finally threw him out when my daughter was 6 months old
Was lucky enough to find a new guy who thought the world of my daughter, treated her like his own and we had another.
Forward 20 odd years and things went wrong, so we parted, luckily we never married and no solicitors involved in the
separation and and we split things equally. I dealt with the sale of the house and surprised him by getting more then he expected
Bought my own place with my share and have been here for 6 years, no plans to find anyone else quite happy on my own,
can do what I want with whoever I want life is great and I have no plans to change anything
 
Gremlin said:
I found out my ex was a serial adulterer, finally threw him out when my daughter was 6 months old
Was lucky enough to find a new guy who thought the world of my daughter, treated her like his own and we had another.
Forward 20 odd years and things went wrong, so we parted, luckily we never married and no solicitors involved in the
separation and and we split things equally. I dealt with the sale of the house and surprised him by getting more then he expected
Bought my own place with my share and have been here for 6 years, no plans to find anyone else quite happy on my own,
can do what I want with whoever I want life is great and I have no plans to change anything
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Waw. Glad you happy.
 
Wife said I need to get a B&B. What a cheek! Just because our house is selling and she has got her new home and I cannot find anywhere at the mo! It is so stressful people.
 
she says?? Surely you have as much right to be in the home!
Like I said before, if you can't find a place to buy, renting is an option that you should not dismiss.
It will allow you some time to find a place, and not have to deal with the stress of home buying at the same time.
 
Divorced twice.......... with current one now for 29 years this july.. third time lucky it would seem.

It's not the end of the world.. you never know whwtas around the corner :)
 
KIPAX said:
Divorced twice.......... with current one now for 29 years this july.. third time lucky it would seem.

It's not the end of the world.. you never know whwtas around the corner :)
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Same here

Remain reasonably friendly with last wife but first wife - not a chance, despite grandchildren.

Out of the blue, my recent trip to New England brought me back into contact with someone I tutored when I was working in Boston many years ago.

Despite a 15 year age difference there is ‘energy’ and we are trying to find out if there is something more there. She is a freelance worker so she is with me currently and I will be going back to the US with her towards the end of January.

Simple thing is never give up and stay open to other opportunities. I may find that friendship is all there is, the age difference bothers me but not her....

Time will tell.
 
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