The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Sleepydawg said:
A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes.

"Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts the dwarf up and shows him her teeth.

"Nithe teeth, Can I thee her twot?". So the dealer lifts him up and shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

"I'll reefwaze that, Can I thee her wun awound?" ...
Click to expand...

Nay lad. :D
 
To all of my BLONDE friends!!
ENJOY A blondes year!!

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
 
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.





'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog'
 
20988489_1467948990171414_5613822146343398602_o.jpg
 
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
mikew said:
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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You do it twice every three months ?
 
Graham said:
Still not working [emoji23] [emoji23] [emoji23]
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OK I'll stop posting pictures so you don't feel left out (y)

So here's something you will be able see, unashamedly nick off a FB mate

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned.
"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
“You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office
“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks,” said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, “Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE
 
Gremlin said:
OK I'll stop posting pictures so you don't feel left out (y)

So here's something you will be able see, unashamedly nick off a FB mate

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned.
"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
“You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office
“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks,” said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, “Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Click to expand...
I was prepared to suspend belief until there was the suggestion that:
  1. The UK has an efficient government
  2. Theresa May could answer that question correctly
  3. Trump would admit to anyone (even the Queen), that he is not the best president ever.........really....believe me..............and that no one could be a better president than him, and anyone who says differently is fake news.
 
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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive older woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The young man smiled at the woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor lad broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
 
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