The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
 
Box Brownie said:
Can't recall this one before........but if correct/true and to paraphrase "the uneducated want to take over the administration........." Oh, hang on a minute he did not long ago!
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It's fake but scarily good enough to be mistaken for fact.
 
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
 
TP Mod:MAD MAN: Doctor, I have a problem; every day I dream of cows playing football
DOCTOR: Here, take these pills at night
TP Mod:MAD MAN: I'll start tomorrow because today is the cup final.
 
DorsetDude said:
TP Mod:MAD MAN: Doctor, I have a problem; every day I dream of cows playing football
DOCTOR: Here, take these pills at night
TP Mod:MAD MAN: I'll start tomorrow because today is the cup final.
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Not my problem. I hate the thing :p


Nod said:
The great dog moved silently...
(Yes, I'm rereading Jaws ATM!)
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We are going to need a bigger Bone(er) :D
 
HELL..........................

Jeremy Corbyn awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him.

"Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?”

The nurse replied:-

"No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
 
I was shocked to receive a phone call from the hospital this morning, telling me that my wife had been suddenly admitted.

"How is she?" I asked with alarm.

"Critical," the nurse replied.

"I might have known," I sighed. "What's she complaining about now?
 
An oldy, but worth the angst from Ingrid :)

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the sink.
 
kendo1 said:
An oldy, but worth the angst from Ingrid :)
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While we are doing (old) sexist jokes ...
Why did the woman cross the road?

Cross the f*****g road? who the hell let her out of the damned kitchen?!
 
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