The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Gremlin said:
Don't worry Trace, you can always call for help from the Tasmanian Devil

spider%20help_zpsucelus7y.jpg



Ohh perhaps not :(:p[emoji38]
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Hahahaha!!
 
Gremlin said:
And not a spider in sight :angelic:..............................................this time:p
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you may not see them but they can see you :eek:
 
Three New York surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, 'I'm the best surgeon in the state. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I re-attached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England'.


The second surgeon said. 'That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics'.

The third surgeon said, 'You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train, travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now he's running for president of the USA '!
 
I think this interview on Good Morning Britain belongs here. Excerpts:

Tennis balls and oranges are more dangerous than guns because expensive firearms are less likely to be thrown - just fired, a Republican commentator told Piers Morgan on Tuesday.
Ann Coulter, a political commentator who is a vocal supporter of Donald Trump, said lightbulbs and tennis balls “can do damage”, making an attack by such household objects “much more likely to happen”.

Morgan asked Coulter why the items are considered “more dangerous in America than an assault rifle?”.

The political commentator replied: “Lightbulbs, oranges, tennis balls, those can be thrown. You’re not throwing an expensive AR (automatic rifle) gun.

Morgan said: “You wouldn’t be throwing the gun, you’d be firing it. You’d be shooting the gun.”

Coulter replied: “Right, so it’s much less likely to happen.”

Full report on Huff Post here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ent...d-morning-britain_uk_578dd49ce4b069bdac5d2d89
 
Two young businessmen in Christchurch were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet,the store's merchandise had not been delivered -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just moments later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,..... "You must be doing well. Only two left."
 
An Emote just for Tracey @Cg_Girl
scary-spider-smiley-emoticon.gif


Thats OK T no need to thank me (y)
 
gm43uk said:
The first one reminds me of the closing lines of a western called The Professional.
Wealthy Businessman to Lee Marvin: You b*****d!
Marvin: In my case an accident of birth. You sir, you're a self-made man.
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Sounds like a Churchill quote :)
 
kendo1 said:
Sounds like a Churchill quote :)
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Funny you should say that. I found this Churchill quote the other day:
One day shortly after the Second World War ended, Winston Churchill and the newly elected Labour Party Prime Minister Clement Attlee encountered one another at the urinals in the House of Commons men’s washroom. Attlee had arrived first, and was standing at one of the stalls closest to the door.

Although Attlee was the only other man in the room, Churchill entered and walked to the farthest urinal — ten or twelve stalls away from Attlee. With a smug grin, Attlee said, “Feeling standoffish today, are we, Winston?”

Churchill replied: “That’s right. Every time you see something this big, you want to nationalize it.”

https://jrbenjamin.com/2013/06/14/churchill-in-the-mens-room/
 
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