The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Cobra

Cobra

Just not pink enough
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Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older man had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you will NOT be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied, the cockily added, "Let's Make it A MONTHS WAGES!."

The older man shook his head, and said, "Are you really sure you want to do that?
How about just $2500... payable in four payments?" trying to soften the pain he knew he was fixing to inflict.

“OK! It’s a bet Old Man... $2500 that says there is NOTHING you can load into that wheel barrel and haul over there, that I can't haul back!
Let’s see what you got, give it your best shot!” the youngster said smiling, already calculating how he was going to spend the money.

The older and wiser man, reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
The entire crew busted out laughing... knowing the smart ass wasn't never going to win that bet.
 

Gremlin

*looks down* Yep, I'm a girl!
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Ingrid
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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
 

G.K.Jnr.

Harry Chapin
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George.
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A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
 
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G.K.Jnr.

Harry Chapin
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George.
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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
 
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Nod

Krispy and Kremey
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Nod (NOT Ethel!!!)
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Nod

Krispy and Kremey
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Nod (NOT Ethel!!!)
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The US airport memes above made no sense to me until an American friend told me about Dungald Fart's faux pas in his 4th July speech. (Don't watch the news so missed it!)
 
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Graham
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I was in Tesco carpark earlier today and there was a poor woman crying her eyes out in the foyer.
Apparently, she was here on holiday and had just lost all her holiday money whilst shopping.
Poor woman, I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

Don't normally do that sort of thing but I'd just found £1000 in the carpark..
 

G.K.Jnr.

Harry Chapin
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George.
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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
 
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G.K.Jnr.

Harry Chapin
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George.
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During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
 
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