The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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George.
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Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
 
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Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
 
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Following news that there's a campaign in the U.S. to storm Area-51, here in Europe a movement has begun to storm the Vatican.

America gets the aliens, we'll deal with the predators.
 
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Robert
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Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
Repeat :)
 
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Brian
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Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

Happy now? :D
 
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George.
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Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
 
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George.
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A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
 
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One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."
 
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ken
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There was the spinster of the parish, and church organist. One day, the pastor paid her a visit, and to his surprise, in the music room was a dish with a little water in it and a condom. so he asks why?
"Well, " she said "I found it in the churchyard, the instructions say to keep moist and place on organ to prevent disease. Do you know, I haven't had a cold all winter!"
 

Nod

Krispy and Kremey
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Nod (NOT Ethel!!!)
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Is it true that catholic priests are church onanists?
 
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ken
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Roy saw a pair of cowboy boots in a sale, brought them and proudly went home in them.
So he asks his wife "Notice anything different about me? She looks up and says "No"
So Roy goes upstairs and takes off all his clothes except the boots and returns downstairs.
"Now do you notice anything different about me?"
She answers "No.It was hanging down yesterday, still hanging down today, and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Furious, Roy yells "THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
"Should have brought a hat, Roy"
 
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Graham
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FB_IMG_1563636713591.jpeg
 
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