The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
 
Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"
 
Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"
 
Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"
 
Last edited:
Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"
 
Last edited:
Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
 
Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
 
Messages
14,665
Name
George.
Edit My Images
No
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
 
Messages
4,084
Name
mike
Edit My Images
Yes
Little Eric and Jenny are only 13 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Eric bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage..'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Eric, you are only 13. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Eric instantly replies, 'Our pocket money. Jenny makes five pounds a week and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 pounds a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this. 'Well Eric, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Eric just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s*** is adorable.​
 
Messages
4,084
Name
mike
Edit My Images
Yes
Registration on the first day back at school in Toronto...
Ahmed Al Sheriah
"here"

Mustafa Al Sheriah
"here

"Fatima El Bindiri
"here"

Ali Acmah Shabeeb
"here"

Ali Sun Al En
No answer

Ali Sun Al En?
Little girl at the back stands up and says
"It's pronounced Alison Allen, for f****'s sake.."





 
Messages
4,084
Name
mike
Edit My Images
Yes
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.



My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.




Shortly after she started working,

I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about

the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am,


she almost always says she has to rest

for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her

time and just wake me when she gets dinner

on the table.



I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club,

so eating out is not an option for us in the evening.

I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk

through that door. She used to do the dishes

as soon as we finished eating but now it's not

unusual for them to sit on the table for several

hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her


several times each evening that they won't clean

themselves. I know she really appreciates this,

as it does seem to motivate her to get them done

before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.


For example, she will say that it is difficult for her

to find time to pay the monthly bills during her

lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or

worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.

I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.

That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also

remind her that missing lunch completely now

and then would help her figure.. I like to think tact

is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she


needs more rest periods. She had to take a break

when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.

I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told

her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly

squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while.

And, as long as she is making one for herself,

she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way


I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this

much patience & consideration is easy. Many men

would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody

knows better than I do how frustrating women get

as they get older.



However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact

and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of

reading this article, I will consider that writing it

was well worthwhile.



After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum shortly


after publishing this letter.



The police report says he was found with a Calloway

extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed

up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing.

A sledge hammer was laying nearby.



His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her

"Not Guilty", accepting her defense that Ron, somehow,

without looking, accidentally fell down on his golf club.
 
Top