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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."
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I want to be a pussy cat rather than a booby cat
D
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Oh those last few pages had me shark in laughter
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Yeah, it was some fin else....
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Next to a tin of petrol?
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Just having a whale of a time.
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A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came here to fix the phones!"
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is'.
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is'.
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
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I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES
English
English
I Love You
SpanishTe Amo
FrenchJe T'aime
GermanIch Liebe Dich
JapaneseAi Shite Imasu
ItalianTi Amo
ChineseWo Ai Ni
SwedishJag Alskar Dig
LithuanianAs Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Missouri, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, VirginiaNice Tits,
Get in the Truck.
Get in the Truck.
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A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could
spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b*****d!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister. That's a disgrace, said the
priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could
spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b*****d!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister. That's a disgrace, said the
priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.
Nod
Tootles
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