The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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mike
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I loved doing my volunteer work with the Samaritans, but I've just been sacked!



A guy phoned and said "I want to end it all, and I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come."

I said, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
 
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George.
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Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."
 
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Keith
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A man finds an old oil lamp and rubs the lamp in eager anticipation.

Magically, a Genie appears in a cloud of magenta smoke.
Genie: "I am the genie of the lamp and I can grant you 3 wishes."

The man says "I want to be uptight, out of sight and in the groove"

The genie turns him into a Tampax.
 
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mike
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Advice for an old guy....
unnamedkk.jpg

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....

unnamedjjkj.jpg

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"


The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
 
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mike
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Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
>
> Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a
> guy
> getting kicked in the nuts.
>
> Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
> come up with the answer to that question.
>
> Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and
> here is the reason for my conclusion
>
> A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be
> nice to have another child."
>
> On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I
> would like another kick in the nuts."
>
> I rest my case.
 
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mike
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Lovemaking Tips For Seniors



1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Codeine ready in case you actually complete the act..

8.. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
.. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .... . . . . ..... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
 
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14,659
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George.
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I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs. He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have weed in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!"
 
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