The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."​
 
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14,634
Name
George.
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The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'
 
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Cobra

Cobra

Mr. Floyd
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Phitt, Hissy Phitt
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, but I've never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”. The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. The monkey realises the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”.
So they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic .
But he then shouts “where the hell is that monkey?
I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
 
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4,075
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mike
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, as crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "what happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked."

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
 
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mike
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
 
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4,075
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mike
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We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.


The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent


that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know,


and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.


We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.


Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I


could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she


frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly


at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the


tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to


the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of


position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I


withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension


heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to


hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building


up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.


Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the


last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of


approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous


embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she


had been.


She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered,


'Baaa' and rejoined the flock.
 
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4,075
Name
mike
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Yes
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £420 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £290 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
 
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9,940
Name
Robert
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Yes
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.


The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent


that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know,


and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.


We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.


Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I


could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she


frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly


at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the


tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to


the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of


position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I


withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension


heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to


hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building


up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.


Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the


last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of


approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous


embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she


had been.


She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered,


'Baaa' and rejoined the flock.
That was baaaa-d
 
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4,075
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mike
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Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea ? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine ?"

Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says

"I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine ? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
 
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