The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A teacher asked three students what causes war. The first student said, "Knives." The second one said, "Guns." The third one drew a dot on the board. The teacher asked, "What's that?" The student replied, "A period." The teacher asked "How does a period cause war?" The student replied, "If my sister misses one, my mom will kill her."
 
A young man walks up to his granny and asks her, "Granny, have you seen my pills? They're marked LSD." She replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!?"
 
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I’ve realised something today, the next time I do something wrong and my wife uses the line “If you don’t know what’s wrong, I’m not going to tell you”. I will wait an hour, grab her phone and read the last few messages/emails to her best friend.

Not only while I find out what’s wrong, I will find out how wrong i was in minute detail and may even give me tips on how not to do it again.
 
A man and a woman who have never met before find they have been allocated the same sleeping compartment by mistake. So she takes the top berth, and he settles down below
Later, she wakes him "I'm cold, can you give me another blanket"
He replies "Why don't we pretend we are married tonight"
"Fine" she says, smiling with anticipation
"Well, go and get your own blanket"
 
A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him:"I have two pieces of news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news . With which one should I start?" And the violinist replied: "With the good one". The angel continues: "After you die you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven´s Orchestra.". The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied: "The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow".
 
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