The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

So this vegan came up to me as I was devouring a burger and says " people who sell meat are disgusting ", I had to tell him "people who sell vegetables are grocer".
 
A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall, he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going up. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" The man replies, "No, you know anything about dynamite?"
 
Satnav – A new poem by Pam Ayres.

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
 
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Mountkeen said:
I was in the shoe shop trying on a new pair of shoes. I said to the assistant I thought they were half a size too small, and she advised trying again with the tongue out.

"It'th no good, they're thtill half a thithe too thmall," I told her.
Click to expand...

Yeah and if the thwind changes whilst you are doing it it will 'last' forever ;)
 
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